Shasta, the makers of soda pop for people who can’t afford real soda pop, have been hitting the town as of late with a new flavor and a spirited twist. Called ‘Tiki Punch,’ this Easter Island favorite boasts a brave amount of carbonation and a healthy lack of caffeine. Possibly the worst tasting shit I’ve ever put to my lips, the 12-packs are still worth buying because there’s a cool Trader Vic’s Tiki God tumbler chilling out on the box. I got the case for a mere two bucks, because companies need to balance out terrible soda with attractive prices.
Each can is also adorned with the friendly Tiki man, almost making up for the sewage inside. Most of you probably haven’t heard of Shasta, but they actually produce dozens of flavored colas, ranging from grape to Tiki to strawberry grape Tiki. They stick with what works, and nothing works better than an angry Tiki God snarling on the side of a soda can.
You really can’t drink it, and I’m being completely serious. It may be an acquired taste, but I’m not prepared for the tormenting process involved in acquiring this particular taste. Bad, real bad. Picture Kool-Aid mixed with seltzer, cough syrup, battery acid, and possibly frogs. The box points out that the beverage contains absolutely no fruit juice whatsoever, which seems like an odd thing to promote so vividly. I guess they banked on people being too mesmerized by the angelic Tiki head to notice anything else. This works to a degree, but not even a Moai statue can save your throat from this most charged example of liquid Hell.
On the plus side, the cans work great as decorations for your wall unit.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Shannon, I used to be able to find Jolt all along the south shore (Digby-Yarmouth-Shelburne), though I haven’t lived there in years. I doubt it’ll ever be out of stock in Halifax though — every kid who hated coffee in university drank the stuff. And considering the high density of universities and colleges there, I’m sure they’re doing great business. I just stuck with the coffee, but I knew a few people who put on the freshman fifteen thanks to Jolt cola alone.
In Toronto, Montreal and Quebec? I don’t think that you’re allowed to open a drug market or corner store without at least ten percent of your cola being Jolt. And to this day, I’ve never tasted the stuff. (Which isn’t saying much; I’m actually not a fan of most soft drinks).
I have the damnedest time finding Jones Soda anywhere non-coastal in Canada. The further away from an ocean you get the faster the Jones market-saturation drops. I was trying to explain the importance of the discovery to my girlfriend when I found some in a cooler at a restaurant a week ago. She managed to convince me to leave without buying any, telling me if we found in there we’d find it elsewhere. Why — o why! — did I trust her and fall for her confident reassurances?
Pschitt. I love that. I would have bought it for the name alone — even if it tasted like pschitt — because I’m a silly little corporate tool that way.