X2's mutant hype machine is resulting in some pretty hysterical cross-promotions, but nothing's as amusing as the new ice cream flavors at Baskin Robbins. For the next few weeks, the sugary franchise breaks the mold with X-Men inspired flavors in colors you've previously only dreamed of eating. The chief new entry is 'Wolverine's Berry Rampage Sundae,' a beastly scoup of blue heaven topped with whipped cream, 'Nerds,' and two godforsaken sour straw candies. And oh yeah - strawberries! I've yet to taste this unparalleled display of sweetness, but it looks like the sort of thing that'd really get me in the mood to play in a ball pit for sixty-seven hours straight. Click here for a pic.
Ice cream parlors fell from grace around here in favor of the much more chic and caffeinated coffee shops, but our local mall still played home to the one last Baskin Robbins within thirty miles. Once I heard that I'd see posters of Halle Berry in a white wig holding up radioactive ice cream cones, I knew it was my personal duty to rush there and snap as many pictures as I could before one of the employees tacked up a handmade 'No Pictures!' sign just to end all the unnerving camera flashes. The mission wasn't a total success, but I got what I came for.
Sadly, this Baskin Robbins didn't have all of the X2 ice cream varieties available, insisting that the rest were 'coming soon.' We asked how soon. 'Very soon.' We asked for an exact date, in case the proximity was attractive enough to where I would've held off posting this until I had photographic evidence of all the flavors. 'We really can't say.' It was like they were putting all their self-worth into making sure I thought they were keeping it a secret. They didn't want to admit their ignorance to the release dates, opting to play Cryptic Creamers for five minutes while we kept getting screwy answers in some kind of alternate universe Laurel & Hardy skit. The young woman handling our order, growing more nervous with each passing glance of my accursed camera, tried to rush us in and out of her life like a pesky mosquito or secret assgas. Three doors down, somebody complained about the food court's poor Japanese cuisine selections. Off in the distance, an old lady labored over the decision of what coffee carafe to buy as a wedding present for someone who had already tied the knot fifteen years prior. Old ladies are senile.
They only had one of the new extreme X-Men flavors: 'Oreo X-Mint.' Described as 'dark chocolate ice cream infused with chunky Oreo cookies and a swirl of Blue Mint ice cream.' Vanilla never seemed so...vanilla. With my curiosity piqued, we ordered some of Cyclops' sweets and hoped for the best. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical about the impending taste even despite all the bold adjectives. It's not that I didn't have faith in Baskin Robbins, but one look at the flavor of the month's homebase barrel had me at least a little concerned...
In my head, things were going on. Terrible things. From afar, this certainly didn't look like a winner. My brain was blasting dueling symphonies from Jaws and Phantom of the Opera, and I was hoping the concert wouldn't climax with Psycho's shower music once the shit hit my tongue. Like any good reporter would, I swallowed my inhibitions. Soon, I would swallow Oreo X-Mint ice cream as well. I was swallowing all over the place.
In went her arm, out came the scoops. We had ordered a X-Mint cone and a X-Mint cup, hoping to get the full photographic effect with the additional upside of having extra ice cream. I felt my order was direct and concise enough - 'can we have a X-Mint cone, and a X-Mint cup?' Simple words for a simple request. Here's what the hostess handed back, and no, I'm not kidding:
Yes, she somehow took my order to mean that I was requesting an ice cream cone, half-filled, turned upside down and mashed into half a cup of X-Mint ice cream. True, some people may actually order it in this way, but I'd made no such demands. Puzzled, I tried to just get past the goof up and make the best of my mutant ice cream sundae. Once the other customers started looking at the woman in the same way one would look at a lion if it coughed up a half-digested guitar and started playing it, I felt I had to say something. 'Miss, I meant we wanted one ice cream cone and one cup.' My less vocal innerself tacked 'fucktard' to the end of the correction. She quickly rectified the situation, presenting us with the right order and a level of embarrassment substantial enough to turn her cheeks bright fuchsia before exploding outright.
Well, it's certainly blue. Actually, it's more blue than anything else. Very, very blue. The outer rim is covered with a darker chocolate, and yes, bits of Oreos stagnate within the mass - sort of like flies trapped in Jurassic Park amber, only more edible. Unfortunately, I can't rail on the taste. It's essentially mint chocolate chip, a flavor that can do no wrong, dyed in a different hue. A blue hue. BLUE.
That said, it ain't the prettiest cream you'll ever munch on. Looks more like a Smurf corpse topped with diarrhea than anything having to do with Marvel Comics. It also seems to melt much quicker than any other flavor Baskin Robbins puts out, but admittedly, the mall was unusually hot last night. Aside from the odd appearance and mega melting ability, I've gotta give this promotion an A+. Obviously, X2 doesn't need any further plugging at this point, but just hearing that they're a big enough entity to warrant their own ice cream flavors is enough to sell you on the legend's worth. I'll be seeing the flick tonight, presumably amidst a horde of moviegoers wearing red sunglasses and claws made from tin foil.
There's a few other X2 flavors, too. The 'Chocolate Vertex Sundae' is pretty standard - just a pile of teethrot with a cherry on top. 'X-Treme Berry Sherbet' is a tad riskier, combining blue raspberry sherbet with WHITE raspberry sherbet. Two raspberry sherbets. One cone. That's a mutant, baby. Get 'em while the movie's still hot -- something tells me these won't be recurring flavors.
More Mixed-Up Marvel Promotions: The Incredible Hulk's Incredible Hands - Hulk's Flavor-Ice - The Secret Wars Sticker Book
Posted by Matt on 05/02/2003. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
great article a riot as always, I’m a very big fan of your site but in defense of the bimbo that handed u the diarrhea that maybe she was spiting u by handing u such an abomination or maybe she was simply retarted,just a thought.