I recently picked up the full set of Burger King’s ‘Nintendo Superstars’ toys, which were given away with their Kid’s Meals a short while back. Fast food chains aren’t exactly noted for their attention to quality with toy giveaways, but all of these items were unique, well-made, and based on characters who have their own brand of textbook covers.

10 toys, 10 sealed blue bags. In this very short and very unmotivated article, we take a look at each Nintendo Superstar and judge it’s overall worth. Are you ready? Ready for pre-Easter fun like you’ve never experienced? Ready for WARIO AND DONKEY KONG AND THE SMALLER VERSION OF DONKEY KONG WHO DRESSES MORE HIP? Good, then click the link below to view the toys and read roughly 70 words about each of ‘em.

This first one stars Kirby, and appears to be some kind of target shooting game. The target? Kirby’s big mouth. Your ammunition? Oversized Red Hots. It looks more fun than it is, but since this thing is doomed to sit on my wall unit untouched for the next decade, I guess that’s for the best. Also includes a wind-up feature, so Kirby’ll turn from side to side in protest of your desire to make him eat lava rocks.

I’ve got no idea what this one was, but it stars Mario in his Mario Sunshine gear. I only allowed myself fifteen seconds to figure out how each of the toys worked, and this Burger King Mario toy meant for six-year-olds proved too much of a match for me. I’m assuming it was some kind of ’slot machine’ game, which would’ve seemed more impressive if I didn’t just finish aiming red things at Kirby’s head.

Luigi and one of the ‘Boo’ ghosts star in this next toy, where the duo remains attached to the tall pole, eventually spinning down in spectacular fashion before Boo knocks down a popup target. Pretty cool as far as fast food toys go, and will double nicely if I ever decide to have anal foreplay with a horse who’s seen everything.

Wario stars in his own special pinball game, where the point values are as high as the spiral background is hypnotizing. I’ve got no idea why they haven’t made this guy a Smash Brothers character yet, especially when you consider the inclusion of such luminaries as ‘Marth’ and ‘Marth’s friend Roy.’ Poor Wario.

Okay, this one’s great. It’s a jungle catapult toy where your mission is to catapult Diddy Kong safely onto the branches on his way to a barrel full of mystery treasures. Even if you hate the toy’s mechanics, the Diddy Kong figure is removable and works nicely as a reassuring pocket pal if you ever have to make a really important speech in front of many equally important people. Plus, completing the catapult task gives you the chance to yell ‘YAY DIDDY’ really loud with reason. Previously, yelling that just made you look off-topic and foolish. Burger really is a King.

The Legend of Zelda series is represented by the toy pictured above, an odd set featuring Link zooming across a platform, spinning around to knock down various enemy targets. He does it really quickly, too – blink and you’ll miss it. I can’t remember the name of the included enemies, but they’re the guys from the N64 game that pop up out of leaf piles to spit rocks at you. I only mention this so you won’t feel any remorse about continually slaughtering them. They’re Ganon sympathizers.

Princess Toadstool and Bowser battle it out in this next one, a simple Wheel of Fortune game where the winner is the one who lands in the highest point range. Didn’t exactly cause my heart to skip beats, but at least it’s colorful. After you push down the ‘DO NOT TOUCH’ red button on top, the characters will chase each other around the circle before coming to an uneventful stop three seconds later.

Up above: some kind of weird wind-up Yoshi toy that runs around haphazardly. Your goal is to make him do terrible things to the three included standup eggs. Probably one of the most popular in the set. Kids love Yoshi. Hard to resist the green dinosaur who shits Easter Eggs while yodeling. Plus, he comes in various colors. Mario doesn’t even change clothes unless God gives him the ability to create fireballs first.

The second Kirby toy, a spinning top, would’ve seemed a Hell of a lot cooler if I was able to get the thing to work. As it stands now, it’s sort of like just having a Kirby action figure with a plastic tumor growing out of its ass. At least he looks happy. And puffy.

To be honest, I kinda lost interest in the toys before figuring out what this Donkey Kong thing was supposed to do. I can tell you that it includes a pile of exploding bananas. That’s usually enough of a hard sell to get anyone’s interest.

All in all, Burger King outdid themselves with these guys. Fast food toys are rarely quality items, but the Nintendo ‘Superstars’ set was way more attractive than most of the crap that came with a Happy Meal. If I had to pick a favorite, I think I’d go with the Kirby Target Practice game. There’s just something about a Kirby perpetually trapped in a bubble cloud being force-fed red shit that makes me smile. The silver medal goes to the Luigi/Boo team, mostly because Boo looks way too happy to go unrewarded.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!