The X-Entertainment Blog

02/15/2003: Fortune Teller Miracle Fish

Fortune Teller Miracle Fish promise to reveal your private sexual inclinations in ways no one can understand. In reality, they’re little red fish-shaped pieces of thin plastic that curl up in certain ways depending on the heat source they’re currently on top of. For the three of you who’ve never heard of these fishies, the gimmick is that they’ll curl up into some random position when placed in the palm of your hand. After seeing what position it forms into, you referred to a stupid chart to find out what kind of lover you were. Truth be told, the Fortune Teller Fish is how I was exposed for having a crush on Bailey from WKRP when I was six-years-old. I’ve never been able to live it down, and now that I’ve got another FTF in my possession, I will soon extract revenge by feeding it to an alien tiger. First, let’s see the chart:

According to this, no matter how the fish curls up, there’s one thing no one can deny: you’ve got a pretty weak emotional gamut. But you do have a plastic fish, so things kinda balance out in the end.

Matching the position of the fish with the chart, we can deduce that the person who owns that hand up above is fickle. Now that’s really amazing. Magic personified. There’s just one problem…

My broken ecosphere, once home to four small shrimp and a couple of sticks in purified water, seems to be displaying the same inner fickleness. So either a broken ecosphere and the person who owns that hand are emotionally equivalent, or the Fortune Teller Miracle Fish sucks.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Does that mean that the person holding the fish is dead, or that the cheap plastic fish is dead, or a foreshadowing that someone else is about to die/has just died a la Clue?

I’ve seen these, but never bothered to try one. By the way, I wrote an "American Pie" parody today…about cartoons!

thomas bombadil: that was fuckin’ funny. are you trying to use x-e to make learning about grammar fun? i salute you for your hard word in this field.

is the american pie parody a flash cartoon? of so give us a link you dirty tease

I got one of those in a box of Lucky Charms once except it was in the shape of this devil jester thing and it was supposed to tell you where ghosts were. I felt very ripped off.

Not to sound like a smartass… Matt, to answer the question you never asked: "It’s" (with an apostrophe) is a contraction for the two words "it" and "is." "Its" (without the apostrophe) is a posessive indicitating whatever you are talking about belongs to "it."

To forever use the two words correctly for the rest of your life, say the sentence using the words "it is" instead of "its." If the sentence still makes sense, use the apostrophe. Ex: It is currently raining blood. Use it’s. If it doesn’t, then don’t. Ex: It is problem is it tends to explode. Use its. Now read pages 14-23 and do excercises 51-72 in the back of your work book. Have fun at lunch.

p.s. Say "its" over and over. It’s fun! Its its its its its its its its its its! Its.

For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend made little action figures of the two of us. I even have a Bad Religion shirt, complete with a crossbuster that she stitched. I felt very stupid for what I got her, since it required almost NO thought. Yeah, that was a pretty pointless post.

Tin Man: No, I wrote a parody of the song "American Pie". Maybe someday I’ll post it.

That fish is great — being a "miracle" fish, its greatness should come as no surprise. I wish I had one. :/

i always thought those fish were for kids. i never knew there were such sexual connotations with them.

I have never heard of these fishy thingys. I think that fish are not what we evolved from, but what we will evolve to. Think about it, as you get older, you also get slimy-er. or something like that.

What is that supposed to mean? Is your love false, or is the very fortune of "False" itself, false? Or when it turns over, does the paper tell you that your very conception of turning over false, thereby reshaping your view of the universe as you know it?

My university gave those out at a theme dinner we had a few months back… makes me wonder what i’m paying for…

on a side note, my nephews came to town, and while looking through my old toys i found an un-opened rocksteady. anyone know what i should do with it?

We give those things away at the novelty store I work in. They’ve had a never ending supply since the store opened, and that was at least twelve years ago. There must be at least five thousand of the slippery devils in a box. Chicks dig them.

As for Clowny, I found one of those delights in my closet. It was nearly un-used; I remember how hard it was to wield such absolute crayon might. Of course, after all this time, the colors had become less whimsical and it was rock hard. It was a sad, burned out husk of its former self. Such is life.

I had the clowny stick but I rarely used it because it reminded me too much of a Push-Pop and the temptation became too much. My mother was a teacher for a while and her name was Mrs. L. Eerily enough, her favorite color is purple. She taught in New Hampshire though.

Hey do the grammar fiends get to have rings and/or pendants the imbue them with gramMAGICAL powers?! They could have schwas on them!

Yeah, it could be a whole literary team with schwa pendants representing vague stereotypes from every country like Captain Planet. If a criminal keeps saying "ain’t" over and over, they could raise the pendants in the air and summon Daniel Webster who would fry evil’s bad ass with his laser eye beams.

The team would, however, have a relatively high turnover rate, as if a member ever ended a sentence with a preposition, the pendant would burn through their chest.

ok, so one hand everyone’s gonna become grammar whammers, or something, and on the other hand those fish not only expose you all as fetishistic perverts, but also act like those pills in the matrix.
how deep. maybe theres a connection. maybe the fish are glitches in the virtual sham world we live in, perhaps the only indication that what we perceive is not what is there.

perhaps bad grammer is the key. if i wanna say ain’t then let me. perhaps the grammer police are also vietual police of the virtual world. maybe our bad grammer is confusing the computers running our virtual world, causing weird fluctuations and glitches, such as fortune telling fish, which in turn betray the truth of our false lives.

coincidence? x-e takes us back to our childhood. a time when we hadnt learnt to speak properly. subconciousely we get more childish, and spread childlike bad grammer and swearing around us, thus creating the glitch fish, and whoa jimmy jimmy if the fish dont feature on x-e!

maybe by using excessing bad grammar we can all generate our own fish, and manipulate the fish to control the fish-generating computer itself! maybe we will break free from this false virtual existence and discover a world where heman and transformers and all other xe subjectsare real. if so, i bet im beast man, and im gonna TOTALLY hunt down rainbow brite. she’ll dig my sexy ornge fur. i bet she goes like a jackhammer. grrrrrrrrrrr.

You know, reading the Photon review I realized why that kid can find things with a calculator. That kid can find anything!

My reasoning you ask? Well, that kid was wearing a Cleveland Indians baseball hat. The show was made in the mid-80’s.

Ok, but where’s the connection? Well, I was born and raised in Cleveland, I’m a die-hard Cleveland sports fan (and yes, we’ve had some hard ones). I was a fan during that time, and trust me, no one owned a Cleveland Indians baseball hat. I lived in Cleveland and you couldn’t even find them here!! That kid is a genius to find one, A GENIUS!!

First time I saw one of those fish was about a year ago, and I shelled out the dollar to see what it was all about.

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.

In biology in high school, we did an experiment with these fish. everyone said that it was heat that made the fish curl, but everyone was wrong. it’s moisture that makes the fish curl. put the fish on something moist or wet and see what happens.

X-E Grammer Rangers! We’ll be led by Matt-on, a floating head in a jar (imagine Matt’s head like Zordon’s only smoking a cigarette…it makes me laugh).

Maybe the miracle is that a fish shaped sliver of platic can be sold for a dollar.

Quick question - does anyone else remember "The Hurricanes" (Cartoon show about a soccer team) and the accompanying theme song? Okay now of that small group do any of you own smackdown 4 (Shut Your Mouth)?

If so try listening to one of the Original Musics that you can give the wrestlers as entrance music. Listen to "Oringinal 17" give it about 5 secs to play and then… ITS THE SAME EXACT MELODY AND TUNE A THE HURRICANES THEME SONG! Seriously. I sang along to it. I think I’m the first to have noticed this. I know this is slightly o/t but as a long time reader I didn’t know where else to post this.

The same tune is also on smackdown 3 but I can’t remember which "Original" it is.

I mailed a Miracle Fish to an ex-girlfriend who I would dearly love to get back. So far, no response… but it’s been less than a week. How long should it take, if it’s going to work?

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This entry was posted on Saturday, February 15th, 2003 at 9:59 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.