Fortune Teller Miracle Fish promise to reveal your private sexual inclinations in ways no one can understand. In reality, they're little red fish-shaped pieces of thin plastic that curl up in certain ways depending on the heat source they're currently on top of. For the three of you who've never heard of these fishies, the gimmick is that they'll curl up into some random position when placed in the palm of your hand. After seeing what position it forms into, you referred to a stupid chart to find out what kind of lover you were. Truth be told, the Fortune Teller Fish is how I was exposed for having a crush on Bailey from WKRP when I was six-years-old. I've never been able to live it down, and now that I've got another FTF in my possession, I will soon extract revenge by feeding it to an alien tiger. First, let's see the chart:

According to this, no matter how the fish curls up, there's one thing no one can deny: you've got a pretty weak emotional gamut. But you do have a plastic fish, so things kinda balance out in the end.

Matching the position of the fish with the chart, we can deduce that the person who owns that hand up above is fickle. Now that's really amazing. Magic personified. There's just one problem...

My broken ecosphere, once home to four small shrimp and a couple of sticks in purified water, seems to be displaying the same inner fickleness. So either a broken ecosphere and the person who owns that hand are emotionally equivalent, or the Fortune Teller Miracle Fish sucks.