Hewwo everyone. It’s December 10th – we’re getting mighty close to Christmas. From now until then, expect lots and lots (read: too many) of reviews about all the various cartoon holiday specials I can find. The latest went up today, Christmas Comes To Pac-Land. On deck are The Smurfs, Gloworms, and if you’re lucky, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Unfortunately, it’s been a pretty busy week, and I haven’t been able to devote as much time to writing as I’d like. I updated the Advent Calendar Christmas Countdown, so check it out if you’ve missed it. So far we’ve collected two lambs, two rabbits, and yes, two Mare Winninghams. I wasn’t kidding when I said that I didn’t look at the contents beforehand – as we go along, I’m just as surprised as you.
Two Towers opens soon, and by all accounts, it’s a masterpiece. Honestly, I haven’t seen a single negative comment about the film, and I’ve read plenty of reviews from non-fanboys. I’m seeing it this Thursday. I hate to admit it, but this series is easily going to overshadow Star Wars in the long run, and I’m not even just talking about the prequels. And while I’ll always love lightsabers and TIE Fighters more than anything else, I have to begrudgingly concede that Peter Jackson is putting together a trilogy that’s going to end up a whole lot more meaningful. Still, no LOTR movie will ever have Salacious Crumb eating C-3P0’s eyes. So there. Star Wars is still better.
Arrrrgh. I was in Bethlehem most of the weekend, and spent tonight writing an article for the site. As I was rapidly approaching the finishing touches, all the electricity went out. For like one split second, for no readily apparent reason other than to teach me a lesson about not saving my documents. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy wasting four hours writing and then having it disappear, especially when I decided to miss half of the Sopranos season finale to do it. Furio would be disappointed. I am disappointed.
In accordance with the rule I made when I still had my crappy old computer that turned off much more frequently, I won’t be able to write this particular article for at least a week, until the memory of the electricity meltdown has waned. Right now, it’s all too painful. ALL TOO PAINFUL. So, in compensation, here’s something a little quicker. I picked up a good amount of items and pics over the weekend that need to be shown to the public, but while I’m much too electronically frustrated at the moment to do a full article, I couldn’t resist telling you about this right away. We hit a ‘Dollar Tree’ in Bethlehem, which is just a fancy schmanzy store name for your regular 99-cent store chock full of crap. Among the crap were many fine goods – boxes of staples, cookies shaped like Dracula heads, and even a few thermoses with ‘SPOILED ROTTEN’ written on ‘em surrounded by purple hearts. All of these high brow baubles pale in comparison to the store’s ultimate offering: the ‘A Surprise For A Boy’ bag of mystery.
What could be inside? My mind quickly swarmed with possibilities. I felt around the sealed bag for a clue, and while I could tell that there were numerous things inside, I couldn’t tell quite what those things might be. Perhaps some new keychains? One of those pens with the retractable control panels that let you choose from different colors of ink tubes? Who knew! Who knew what wonders awaited! I snatched up two, and after perusing the rest of the Dollar Tree’s aisles, made a dash for the cashier. She was a lovely human who smelled only somewhat like stagnant dishwater. Once home, I ripped open the bag. What did I find? Take a look…
Wow. This was quite a steal. A pair of sunglasses that wouldn’t fit my cats, with the lenses shaped vaguely like hearts. Two Hot Wheels-inspired toy cars that seemed to disintegrate as I touched them, marked only by the word ‘CHINA.’ A toy pogo stick which shared the same affliction as the cars. Plus, a bunch of dark green balloons! Whoopee! What kid wouldn’t want this stuff? I mean, what were they thinking, hiding all these great things in a paper bag like that? This is treasure personified.
Defeated, I opened up the other bag. Maybe that one would have something better? Nope. In fact, it had the same exact junk. Only the sunglasses in the second bag had yellow lenses. So, in closing, I learned a few lessons today. Number one: save your work. You never know when your computer might explode on you. Number two: don’t buy mysterious grab bags who sell 1987 Quackers snack boxes as a ‘featured item.’ Number three: I don’t really have a third lesson. But nobody ever stops at two. Pretend I had one.
If you’re wondering why there was no new article yesterday – I was in the city to cover the Lord of the Rings premiere for The Two Towers. Pretty fun all in all, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have feet anymore because of the cold. We had our biggest snowstorm in a long time here yesterday, and while all traffic reports suggested staying the fuck indoors unless absolutely necessary to go out, New Line felt that the show must go on.
The report, which is mostly pictures, should be up on UGO late this afternoon. Meantime, click ‘more’ for a scan of the wondrous tip sheet given to the press before the stupid star arrivals.
New Article: I thought I was lucky to find this one – now I’m not so sure. In 1994, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles found themselves thrown into the most insipid Christmas special ever, complete with a zombified Splinter and a lot of scenes featuring yo-yos. It’s Christmas With The Turtles, and it’s the latest X-E holiday-themed review. Not at all like what you might expect – though there’s been other live-action TMNT shows and movies, they’ve never appeared quite like this. Which is to say, they’ve never appeared completely and totally shitty beyond belief. I still love them, but this is definitely a faith-killer. That goes for God, too. Click here to read it! Just don’t actually go out and watch it. Big mistake.
Kay Bee was selling Pokemon figures on clearance, and after finding a Bulbasaur I didn’t own, there was no resisting. Actually, I’ve kinda lost track of the Pokemon craze – I couldn’t bare watching it anymore when they began rotating the classic creatures out in favor of the 150 new jerks from the Gold and Silver games. I know why they did it, but I don’t like going to sleep at night knowing that Squirtle isn’t trapped in a ball on Ash’s belt anymore. It makes me sad.
This particular Bulba might be the best ever – it’s a figure that attaches to a Pokeball launching device. If Bulbasaur gets hit, his eyes roll back, displaying knockout lines instead of pupils. Also, when you shoot the thing, Bulbasaur lets out an electronic battle cry. It doesn’t exactly sound like him, but I guess it’s better than having a figure that doesn’t say anything at all.
I also picked up the Pikachu figure, just because my Bulba needed a Pokemon’s ass to kick. There’s been zillions of toys to come out of the Pokemon franchise, but I’d say these are easily the best. Really detailed and poised, larger than usual, and as an extra special added bonus, the package is written in three different languages. I never knew how to say ‘electronic attack sounds’ in Spanish before. Now I do. ‘Sons d’attaque electroniques!’ Or is that French? Ah who the fuck cares.
If I could just do articles like these and only these for the rest of my life, I’d be pretty happy. Click here to read about Santa Claus’ attempts to make Jiffy Pop. Co-starring Metroplex.
New Article: I thought I was lucky to find this one – now I’m not so sure. In 1994, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles found themselves thrown into the most insipid Christmas special ever, complete with a zombified Splinter and a lot of scenes featuring yo-yos. It’s Christmas With The Turtles, and it’s the latest X-E holiday-themed review. Not at all like what you might expect – though there’s been other live-action TMNT shows and movies, they’ve never appeared quite like this. Which is to say, they’ve never appeared completely and totally shitty beyond belief. I still love them, but this is definitely a faith-killer. That goes for God, too. 
