11/30/2002: I was a preteen toy dealer. :O
0.0.0.0|I
My parents were revamping their laundry room a few weeks ago, and they came across a gem I had left behind the dryer dating back to 1990. It was an envelope stuffed with a handwritten toy catalog I made up to make myself look more ‘professional’ when dealing with collectible dealers. Of course, the letter didn’t make me look very professional at all - rather, it was pretty indisputable proof that these dealers were dealing with a naive and often stupid eleven-year-old.
I used to call these dealers daily - I became infatuated with the collectible toy industry at an early age, mostly because I never quite lost my love for Star Wars figures, and after the mid-80s, you could only buy them through these kinds of shops and mail order companies. For the most part, the dealer was more of a hobbyist than a businessman, operating out of his house after getting home from his real job. Some of them had no idea that I was as young as I was, since I was pretty good at faking an older voice. Others who noticed that they were dealing with a kid took some extra time with me, and oddly enough, I’ve still maintained contact with some of these guys today, well over a decade later.
But this ‘catalog’ I wrote…jesus. It’s four pages of loose-leaf paper with poorly written descriptions and postage rates, and against all better judgment, I think I should show it to you all…
Discussion Thread: 37 comments
Posted by
As the following picture'll tell you, I felt that I wouldn't be taken seriously without a really neat company name. In later years, I'd adopt 'Star Wares', which wasn't so bad. At this earlier age, the best I could come up with was the 'Star Company.' @ 12/31/1969 7:00 PM EST
Hey, hook me up with some rad "Dr. Who" action figures! Do you have Tom Baker and his Super Stranglin’ Scarf? Only joking…
I used to have a Nintendo trophy. I got it from Toys ‘R Us before it became Toys ‘R Us "2000" or whatever and turned the warehouse-like floorplan into isometric, aerodynamic circles (I don’t see the point- the place is still full of orphans tearing open boxes, cheap crap, half-eaten Play-Doh and screaming babies). I think my trophy had Link fighting a giant Gohma…
I never made anything like a toy catalog, but being a chick and all, I created something akin to "The Sonic the Hedgehog Fashion Pages", featuring Sonic and pals (mostly from the Saturday morning cartoon series) modeling hot new clothing. I distinctly recall drawing Dr. Robotnik in a very attractive muumuu.
P.S: Well I’ll be a greased Jesus, Lionel Kiddy City DID exist! I thought it was all a strange dream…
"Lionel Kiddy City turns a frown… upside down!"
Posted by
nuzzles @ 11/30/2002 7:05 PM EST
Still have the Dr. Who figures?
Posted by
Starch @ 11/30/2002 7:12 PM EST
I did something like this at about the same age, except I was selling/trading video games. I said the Nintendo was so great "it could even churn the butter". (-:
Posted by
God Animagnus @ 11/30/2002 10:57 PM EST
Ok…I have a big box of those C.U.T.I.E. things at my grandma’s. I never knew what the hell they were until now. Thanks in a roundabout way.
Posted by
TheEdge @ 11/30/2002 10:57 PM EST
Yeah, I used to do weird things like that, too. The sad thing is that I was the oldest child so my mom held on to every scrap of paper I drooled on, and everything comes back to haunt me. Now my youngest sister, she has maybe three pictures of her entire life total. She was a chainsaw juggler and my parents didn’t care.
DUDE. I want that Zelda trophy. My brother used to have the Zelda game-n-watch, and he lost it. Those things go for crazy bucks on eBay now.
Posted by
Max @ 12/01/2002 1:15 AM EST
Jesus Christ! C.U.T.I.E?? Goddamn you’re giving me flashbacks!!!
Posted by
Fairmont Grue @ 12/01/2002 1:41 AM EST
Not only is your company’s mascot gay, but he’s also a Nazi. Notice the hand salute. :0
I hate to break it to you Matt, but your writing hasn’t gotten any better.
Just Kidding! 
Posted by
American Vomit @ 12/01/2002 2:44 AM EST
Great Stuff. Keep it up!
Posted by
American Vomit @ 12/01/2002 2:52 AM EST
"My brother used to have the Zelda game-n-watch, and he lost it. Those things go for crazy bucks on eBay now."
Too bad for me. I used to have a watch like that, except it was a Mario Bros. watch. I’m not sure if it was an official-type product or not though. Still have no idea how I lost it.
I’m fairly sure I had one or two of those Nintendo Trophies too.
Posted by
Username @ 12/01/2002 6:37 AM EST
I remember doing stuff like this. I used to make little signs on my desk at school after I went to wrestling matches telling people they could ask me for the "insider results" of what happened in matches they could have seen on PPV or TV the night before.
I just drew Ninja Turtles all over the signs, for some reason. I guess I figured anything with Ninja Turtles on it would catch people’s attention.
I’ll probably be telling a shrink about that someday.
Posted by
Casey Jones @ 12/01/2002 10:30 AM EST
toy knight needs to be the new x-e mascot!!!
and i still proudly display my zelda and mario trophies. they command respect in ways my frail fists cannot.
Posted by
reckless bookmobile driver @ 12/01/2002 11:41 AM EST
You could always try to sell the conch shells as official Lord of the Flies merchandise.
Or not.
Posted by
Feral @ 12/01/2002 12:14 PM EST
Hey, I actually still have one of those trophys with Link fighting a mummy. Anyone want it? I’ll part with it for $5. LOL
Posted by
Big Will @ 12/01/2002 12:28 PM EST
Looks like u were quite the entreprenuer(excuse me if i killed that spelling)while growing up. The only thing i used to do in my early teens was to take the lunch my mom packed 4 me and sell it. Then use the profit to buy a pack of 50 cent fleer basketball cards.(which 11 years later,can fetch me a nice chunk of change)I would also sell my lunch tickets.Except for the friday one.That was pizza day.
Posted by
onimusha @ 12/01/2002 12:33 PM EST
not exactly the same thing, but back in elementary school a bunch of friends and i were in the trading card business. every day, we’d go to lunch with our binders full of marvel trading cards and make a quick buck. maybe it was because i was young and a couple measly dollars felt like a lot of money, but i remember being able to buy my own ninja turtle figures from then on…at least until the rat bastard of a principal shut us down.
Posted by
theriothero @ 12/01/2002 12:37 PM EST
My sister had C.U.T.I.E.s (Or something like them) I recall doing disturbing things to them with my friends. Things involving thumbtacks, vasaline, Fire and B.B.guns we were fucked up
Posted by
Iron Wetback Jesus @ 12/01/2002 12:40 PM EST
Hey, you just found yourself a C.U.T.I.E. buyer! I remember them! *SpongeBob laugh*
Posted by
princess of dorkness @ 12/01/2002 12:59 PM EST
I believe you spelled it as "….because when you by an item…"
Even more comedy gold!
Posted by
bunnymud @ 12/01/2002 4:23 PM EST
Speaking of Nintendo trophies (ehh… sort of) I work at Victoria’s Secret and we have a plastic Mario at our wrap desk that turned up in one of the fitting rooms, and has since been adopted as our store mascot. Something about the little guy just seems lucky.
Posted by
Welsh Rabbit @ 12/01/2002 4:45 PM EST
Oh and I remember something similar i used to do like this article that might make you chuckle. When I was about 5 or 6 I would take Basebll cards and sign their names on them and try to pass them off to my local card store as an Autographed card. The only thing I really regret was when Mark Mcguire was setting the record for homeruns I remembered that one of the cards i had written on and got rid of was his rookie card. Poor me 
Posted by
Big Will @ 12/01/2002 8:45 PM EST
Man, I still have those Dick Tracy characters carded. I’m thinking of trading them for crack…ed wheat. *cough* Yeah. Wheat. Cracked.
I used to have schemes like that, and I’m sure I did the catalog at one time or another. A few friends and I were really good at the custom maze business, though. We’d draw up these elaborate mazes with dragons and shiznizzle in them and then sell them for a quarter or so to the other kids. This wasn’t in the 30’s either, which makes it seem kind of bizarre to me now. Must be because it was Montana…
Posted by
Kris "Mmmbop" Hanson @ 12/01/2002 11:10 PM EST
When I was in third grade my parents put together my second best birthday party ever. It was a Nintendo party! We had *two* NES’s set up (one was borrowed from my uncle) AND a Gameboy. It was a contest to see who could rack up the most points to earn crappy party favors. We all got a Zelda or Mario trophey, but the kid with the highest score chose first and so on.
Posted by
BBBD @ 12/02/2002 1:49 AM EST
Are you telling me that my never-been-opened original Millenium Falcon is worth something? And what’s this e-bay thing anyhow…
Actually, after recently buying a bigger house, my mother just showed up with crates of my old stuff. Such as the entire GI Joe comic collection (plus many, many others), a hearty Star Wars toy collection (including the Millenium Falcon), and boxes (I mean lots) of RPG books (1st edition DND - hell, I’ve got multiples). Thank GOD she hasn’t figured e-bay out or she’d be driving a new car…
Posted by
XP Ranger @ 12/02/2002 10:56 AM EST
Ha, I mostly only read the first page. I remember drawing superheroes in my youth and they all had rollerskates. I think kids all think that superheroes would have an easier time getting around on rollerskates. Or maybe they just look sharp.
Posted by
Scott @ 12/02/2002 4:47 PM EST
It is evident that the death of Dale Earnhardt Sr. was no accident. I suspect foul play. When his "car" crashed into the "wall", I almost laughed aloud at the childish coverup presented by NASCAR officials. The man was murdered. He was straight up gangster rap assasinated. Not by gangster rappers though, but by the very inbred hillbillies who enjoy the sight of cars going in circles.
Posted by
Tanuki @ 12/02/2002 4:52 PM EST
I like that the Dr. Who figures were on sale. Like this was a newer edition of your bi-weekly handwritten catalog.
Posted by
Thomas Bombadil @ 12/02/2002 11:06 PM EST
All these 80’s style flashbacks are great…people say I only enjoy hearing about things from the 80’s cause that’s when I was born….but i don’t think that’s true cause you’d never catch me wearing bell-bottoms even if it were the style - hell nah.
Posted by
Joshua @ 12/03/2002 3:25 PM EST
You are please to not be making the fun out of my English. Fucktard.
Posted by
Jackie Chan @ 12/03/2002 3:45 PM EST
You know. I made a Dark Crystal activity book as well as a Ghostbusters activity book complete with UPC’s. LOL
And that leads me to remember the counterfeit money I was making out of construction paper. My mom didn’t want to buy me a bearenstein bears activity book. I had tears in my eyes as i wrote out "5.99" in each corner of the bill with a stick figure george washington in the center.
Darn you Matt! for opening old wounds!
Why don’t you just catalog everything in those boxes and sell them on your website? I would take a lot if I knew what I was buying.
Posted by
Neshoba @ 12/04/2002 2:37 PM EST
So, let me get this right. Moltar from Space Ghost has a gay, Nazi brother named Toy Knight? Ye Gods man!
Posted by
The Infinite One @ 12/05/2002 5:06 AM EST
Why did it never occur to me at age 11 that my stupid action figures were actually worth hard cash? Dammit. Curse my parents and their ‘Lets ask him if we can throw all this old crap away while he’s stuck on the last level of Sonic the Hedgehog and is completely oblivious to everything thats going around him’ tactic. There more sly than I give them credit for.
Posted by
shortround_wsm @ 12/05/2002 7:24 AM EST
There’s a store in town that still sells those damn c.u.t.i.e. things. once they had karate kid pins. they had the coolest rug, too. it had a scene with two kickboxers fighting. it was a giant area rug. you’d have a field day in that place. also, it’s right next to a casket store. an honest to god casket store. we don’t have many of those in jacksonville.
Posted by
sarah @ 12/05/2002 1:19 PM EST
I’m almost 30, and I still have a bunch of toys that I had when I was 10. Unfortunately they’re worth about as much today as they were then (jack shit!). I’m feeling entrepreneurial! Anybody want a ‘57 Chevy matchbox with the left door ripped off? Best Offer!
"You know. I made a Dark Crystal activity book as well as a Ghostbusters activity book complete with UPC’s. LOL"
A friend of mine actually made a mini-activity book for Robotech, and a few other shows. We all used to make comics by folding few pieces of paper. My friend’s stuff was real good while mine…let’s not get into that here. Nice to know some things are universal.
"Too bad for me. I used to have a watch like that, except it was a Mario Bros. watch. I’m not sure if it was an official-type product or not though. Still have no idea how I lost it."
I still have mine, but I never replaced the battery. Pretty lame, actually; just Mario jumping, but something to do to pass the time when the family conversations were boring or you just felt unattached at the party.
Posted by
ShadowWing: the technorganic Autobot @ 12/06/2002 9:50 PM EST
Upon some research, i found out there was different statues! There was also a couple from "Punch-Out!!!" See here
http://www.atarihq.com/tsr/other/trophy.html
Posted by
Tutsuro @ 12/07/2002 7:26 AM EST
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Posted by Matt. 
