Up Next: Now that we've got our snazzy Christmas design up, thanks to Mike who loves Nathan Jones and Paul Wight, it looks like it's time to start making with the holiday cheer. I was gonna hold off on this one till we got closer to, well, the freaking MONTH of the holiday in question, but I just can't help myself. So, several hours from now, look for a full review of the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special. I love this thing like I love that episode of The Golden Girls where Bea dresses up like Cher. I'll try to transfer that love as best I can into a fun article.

Last weekend while yard sailing, I picked up this old kit that lets you make beer at home. I can't really explain why I wanted to buy this thing. I've never had any interest in making my own beer, and if I did, I'd seek a better outlet to do so than some half-used twenty-year-old mess sitting on some old man's front lawn. Still, for a buck, I couldn't resist. It had a nice box. This wasn't the first time I've spent money on crap just because it had a nice box. Now here's what was inside...

1) Munton's 'Light' Dried Malt Extract. Seems to have taken a new shape over the years, and can no longer be classified as animal, vegetable, or mineral. Now it's just crap. Shares the same consistency as really, really stale salt water taffy. After opening the bag, I found that the odor would work well if I ever needed to wake someone up from a coma.

2) 'Finest Imported' Malt Extract. Amber hopped! Woo! The can is over three pounds, and given the age of everything here, I was too scared to pop it open. It's assumed that baby raccoons or mutilated human feet are inside. Even though the label claims that the contents are '3.3 lbs.,' the can actually feels much heavier. I'm not sure what kind of doors open when you've got a deceptively heavy can of expired malt extract, but I'll fill you in as I find out.

3) 'Instructions.' Very basic instruction sheet doesn't seem to include any information on how to make beer. However, it does mention that serving beer ice cold helps to bring out its full flavor. And don't fret none if there's a yeast deposit on the bottom of your glass - that's the sign of a truly natural beer! Mmm.

4) 'Bottle Caps.' A bag of silly bottle caps to help you create your very own personalized bottles of beer. Each cap has the words 'Real Beer' stamped on it. Bottle caps are good for makeshift healing eye masks, or to recreate that scene from Who's The Boss where Tony tap dances in the attic.

5) 'Munton's Yeast & Priming Sugar.' The sugar has solidified to the point where it could only become granular again with the aid of a jackhammer. Also: priming sugar is also known as 'dextrose.' Remember that.

6) 'Hop Pellets.' Well, if you've ever been curious about where those beer hops come from, look no further. They look like turtle food. Additionally, they smell like turtles that've been dead for three-to-four weeks.

This will be the last homemade beer kit I ever buy. Thanks for the Medicare.