The X-Entertainment Blog

11/19/2002: The Homemade Beer Kit.

Up Next: Now that we’ve got our snazzy Christmas design up, thanks to Mike who loves Nathan Jones and Paul Wight, it looks like it’s time to start making with the holiday cheer. I was gonna hold off on this one till we got closer to, well, the freaking MONTH of the holiday in question, but I just can’t help myself. So, several hours from now, look for a full review of the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special. I love this thing like I love that episode of The Golden Girls where Bea dresses up like Cher. I’ll try to transfer that love as best I can into a fun article.

Last weekend while yard sailing, I picked up this old kit that lets you make beer at home. I can’t really explain why I wanted to buy this thing. I’ve never had any interest in making my own beer, and if I did, I’d seek a better outlet to do so than some half-used twenty-year-old mess sitting on some old man’s front lawn. Still, for a buck, I couldn’t resist. It had a nice box. This wasn’t the first time I’ve spent money on crap just because it had a nice box. Now here’s what was inside…

1) Munton’s ‘Light’ Dried Malt Extract. Seems to have taken a new shape over the years, and can no longer be classified as animal, vegetable, or mineral. Now it’s just crap. Shares the same consistency as really, really stale salt water taffy. After opening the bag, I found that the odor would work well if I ever needed to wake someone up from a coma.

2) ‘Finest Imported’ Malt Extract. Amber hopped! Woo! The can is over three pounds, and given the age of everything here, I was too scared to pop it open. It’s assumed that baby raccoons or mutilated human feet are inside. Even though the label claims that the contents are ‘3.3 lbs.,’ the can actually feels much heavier. I’m not sure what kind of doors open when you’ve got a deceptively heavy can of expired malt extract, but I’ll fill you in as I find out.

3) ‘Instructions.’ Very basic instruction sheet doesn’t seem to include any information on how to make beer. However, it does mention that serving beer ice cold helps to bring out its full flavor. And don’t fret none if there’s a yeast deposit on the bottom of your glass - that’s the sign of a truly natural beer! Mmm.

4) ‘Bottle Caps.’ A bag of silly bottle caps to help you create your very own personalized bottles of beer. Each cap has the words ‘Real Beer’ stamped on it. Bottle caps are good for makeshift healing eye masks, or to recreate that scene from Who’s The Boss where Tony tap dances in the attic.

5) ‘Munton’s Yeast & Priming Sugar.’ The sugar has solidified to the point where it could only become granular again with the aid of a jackhammer. Also: priming sugar is also known as ‘dextrose.’ Remember that.

6) ‘Hop Pellets.’ Well, if you’ve ever been curious about where those beer hops come from, look no further. They look like turtle food. Additionally, they smell like turtles that’ve been dead for three-to-four weeks.

This will be the last homemade beer kit I ever buy. Thanks for the Medicare.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Home-made beer is a terrible thing. If you’re going to make any liquor at home, it should be moonshine…Only moonshine.

I think you should brew the beer and start adding it to the mystery boxes. Be sure to add the hazardous material charges though.

i brewed beer once; somebody had to supply it. and my wife, the one with the large blue stack of hair, thought it was a good idea anyway.
i can’t remember how that worked out. something with a catapult. good memories, probably.

I agree with Willie, add it to the mystery boxes… along with bamboo peanuts. BTW, where IS my mystery box?

Hahahah…I love that episode of Golden Girls too, especially Sofia dressed as Sonny. That was priceless. I used to have a root beer brewing kit. I made a bottle and the best way to describe the taste would have to be "spicy."

Does ANYBODY actually love Paul Wight? As far as home brewing goes try mescal, or drink paint thinner. It’s bout the same.

Homemade beer makes me think of the Three Stooges. And yes, there is a stooge beer!

THREE STOOGES BEER!! I can’t believe someone else knows about that. My father found out about it two years ago. He was led to believe that it could only be found in Mass(we live in Upstate NY and it takes about 5-6 hours to get there one way). He, like any sane person, planned a special trip all the way to mass. just to buy some. Ahh, the memories. Good times, good times…

My father also used to make his own hard Apple cider. Let me tell you, that shit is potent. I think it is possible to get drunk off the fumes of that stuff. Not that I would know from any first hand knowledge of course…

Since this seems to have a bit of wrestling discussion, did anyone else notice Rico’s great kayfabe break in Survivor Series, when he was easily able to moonsault Bubba, but not meant to win; he pretended to be unsteady on the turnbuckle, then turned to the entranceway and *clearly* yelled "C’mon Jeff Goddammit!!!"?

Paul Wight is ok. I don’t know why so many fans despise him. And Rico yelling at Jeff was pretty funny.
I live in chicago and the Jewel (grocery store chain) by my house had Stooge beer. I thought it was a joke when I first saw it, but it is real. Good beer too!
Planning on going to American Science&Surplus one of these days. Is Coke II availabe anywhere else besides Chicago? How about Pepsi Blue (aka blue Alka Seltzer)? Speaking of Coke II, do an article on failed sodas like 7Up Gold, Pepsi Free, Surge, etc.

i was hoping you would brew it and drink it, and do a narticle about it like when you ate nads

Paul Wight is nothing compared to Alex "das Wunder kid" Wright…he could dance.

i reckon rvd will be buried for urting the trippermeister leg at ss.
as for pepsi blue and coke 2, i reckon that americ is a weird place.

oh and bigshow is a fat mess.
and i remember a heman special where a dog licked skeletors face.

Coke II should be locked away in a vacuum-sealed acrylic case a la Lenin. Didn’t they stop making that stuff years ago? As for Pepsi Blue, you can get that in PA as well. Along with Dr. Pepper RED FUSION!!!! (you have to say it like that or it loses its effect)–another in the budding line of incredible sugared-up fuity sodas. However, I must ask…what is 7up Gold? And forget Pepsi Free and Surge (I liked Surge, too)–Crystal Pepsi is definitely a contender for failed soda Godfather.

Oh yeah, those brewery kits make your house smell like crap and the smell will never leave.

Yeah, Coke II is pretty bad, but it can be tolerated, while Pepsi Blue and Crystal Pepsi tastes like already vomitted Alka Seltzer. No Dr. Pepper RED FUSION yet in Chicago. 7 Up Gold was a cola back in the early 1980’s. About as good as Coke II and RC if I remember correctly.
RVD will probably never hold either of the WWE World titles now since he hurt Cripple H. Seriously, why does anyone like the prick? The only reason he’s still on tv is cus he boinks the bosses daughter. And Raw got a freakin high rating this week (no Crips on tv). Think vince will get a clue and actually push someone the fans like?

If you do make the beer and drink it, keep a notepad handy. You’ll be able to write a great article on the colors you see (a Duff beer for me, a Duff beer for you, I’ll have a Duff, you’ll have one too…).

just make sure to NOT clean out your bathtub before brewing…crud gives it that special little kick. =)

Anybody remember an 80’s show where a midget made toys for friendship/to save the world??? I think that was the basic plot… It may have been on Amazing Stories or something like that…

i like christmas, and christmas likes me. can i have an x-e mystery box this year??

*I* love Paul Wight! Especially now that he’s champ. Anyway, I don’t think that the beer should go in the mystery boxes. Beer brewed at home should stay the way of Nad’s and the Easy-Bake oven, and stay at home. I’d be interested in seeing how it turned out, if you could somehow brew it and then somehow convince someone our age to actually drink the swill. Come to think of it, that may not be too difficult to do…

Maybe this is the show?
http://us.imdb.com/Title?0090547
Anyone have a pic of the worst food product ever, a Whoppers ripoff with a King Kong lookalike on the package, called Gorilla Balls?

I haven’t watched wrestling in awhile. I am glad to hear that RVD injured Triple H though. That may put RVD even higher on my list of favorite wrestlers ever.

As for Coke II, are you guys talking about New Coke? Cause if you are they do still make that. You just gotta know where to look.

Speaking of drinks in general, has anyone ever tasted Jones’ Soda? Some of those flavors should be used in lieu of lethal injection.

Yeah, but some of them were downright tasty. And they always had crazy pictures on the bottles taken by people who sent in photos of whatever. You can’t knock a soda that has covered every type of -berry, bubble gum, and kiwi flavors. They used to sell that in Penn Station; I haven’t seen it there in years.

I think Triple H deserves at least a little respect for finishing his matches, even with serious injuries. RVD lands his knee into Triple H’s throat from probably fifteen feet in the air, only to get up and turn around to get choke slammed by Kane, then he still finishes things off with HBK.

i work at a barnes and noble, and was amazed the other day to see that we carry a home brewery kit as well. not only does a "classy" bookstore carry a home brewery kit, but it’s in the bargain section. it makes a gallon of beer. your own gallon of beer for about $6. i was too frightened to open the package and view the contents, though.

Hey, all. I’m James. I run a little punk zine called NeuFutur. If you want some information about cancelled sodas, I actually did a piece on them. The real piece that was featured in the magazine had pictures of each of the sodas but the online version I’ve yet to add the pictures. My piece is more informative than funny though, so take a look : http://www.geocities.com/Drakulon666/Rants/pops.html . I realize that there are some minor errors on the page, but oh well.

I will pay good money for old pops as well, including Crystal Pepsi, Polar Cola, OK Soda, Storm, etc, etc. I don’t mean the cans here either. I will actually drink 10,20 or 30 year old pops and take pictures. I know its no where near as ballsy as eating NADS, but I do my share. X-Entertainment rocks my socks off.

Jones soda is still alive and kicking.. it is made in Quebec though, so it is probably pretty rare for you yanks.. the root beer is really good.. I have a bottle with Tony Hawk on it (doing the 360 ramp) and one with a pretty cool picture of some crusty punks…

Stewart’s Key Lime is good, but nothing can compare to Stewart’s Orange creme.

My father used to make his own wine at home. He would make it in 5 gallon tubs, and it would stink up the whole house for weeks. It sure did have a kick to it though.

hey, i think you should have opened the can of malt. can’t be any worse than that 10 year old can of hi-c you bought at the corner store. that’s all, keep up the great work!

What a horrible setup…you guys should be ashamed of your page layout. what the hell were you thinking i know the more i yammer on about how bad this page is the harder you will get but, you know what, sometimes you just have to accept criticism and FIX IT!

I’m an avid brewrat with 10 years of drinking experience under my belt. The DME in those photos looked totally dry and krusty, and the LME in the can is probably also stale and nasty. Don’t bother trying to actually brew it, the beer will suck ass like stale cardboard. Cool find though! whoever bought that originally probably didn’t use it after finding out there would also be a small investment into brewing equipment and sanitation involved. X-E rules! Later!~

Thanks to everybody who posted the answer to my question - Good call, it’s the Wizard… Now I can finally sleep again… Speaking of not sleeping, Insomnia’s a pretty kick ass movie… good addition to any DVD collection.

Home brew beer is better than good homemade apple pie. If I bought some old groceries from a yard sale I guess I would say all food sucks and stick drinking beer. I was eyeing a gallon of milk at a yard sale and bought it cause it was in a nice bottle. I will never drink milk again the stuff smelled like old baby dipers and tasted like magget vomit. Why do people drink milk! I’m going to stick to my home brew and maybe a glass of mead now and then!

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 19th, 2002 at 5:49 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.