I came across something that's been sitting in the back of my closet for at least two years now. Given that this 'something' is edible, that's probably not a good thing. Expiration dates and spoiled food aside, the scariest part of this special something is the mere fact that it exists. Many of you have seen the infamous Hello Kitty Vibrator. Did you know that the stupid cat had her own line of Salisbury steak?

You won't believe your eyes...

Now, I don't know if it's actually a Salisbury steak. Hello Kitty's holding this plate of meat on the box art, and that's what it looks like. This could be something entirely different, but it's certainly made from animals and it's certainly Japanese. I don't know what Hello Kitty's saying in that word balloon, but after seeing what was inside, my best guesses are 'Danger: Poison!', or 'Give To Your Worst Enemy.' I'm pretty sure an X-E reader sent me this with the Kinder Eggs years back, but it's entirely possible that this thing just materialized like that puzzle cube from Hellraiser, just waiting for an unsuspecting victim to unleash it's unholy terror on. Guess I'm the victim.

The meaty meat is protected by a silver foil pouch, which would actually be kind of pretty in its own little way if it didn't have alien spew inside. That whole thing about not judging books from their covers works both ways. This Hello Kitty snack might look cute, but as we're about to find out, cute sometimes masks pure evil. Now that I think about it, I've always been a little suspicious of Hello Kitty. She seems so sweet on the surface, but how many times have you seen her actually hang out with Chococat? Damn racist. I hope that green frog all the high school girls have on their t-shirts swallows her whole.

The box also contained a set of Hello Kitty gift tag stickers. I think it was meant to keep you from suing the Hirohoshiwakka Wakka Food Corporation for feeding you rat shit in a silver bag.

Are you ready?

You may want to rethink this. Put the kids to bed. Don't continue reading if you get queasy easily, are pregnant, nursefeeding, or under 5'2".

Holy cow! Now this is appetizing! Vomit Soup! I've heard so much about Japan's Vomit Soup - it's just behind shark fin soup on my ultimate list of Soups I Must Try. I'm so happy...today's my lucky day! This stuff is literally vomit. It doesn't just look and smell like vomit, it's really vomit. Don't tell me it isn't - I think I know vomit when I see it. I mean, I throw up at least four times a week on the count of all those damned Airheads. I'm an expert on this.

Okay, maybe it's not really vomit. Maybe making food look like this is how Japan keeps their kids so skinny.

Upon closer inspection, there's a few larger chunks of 'meat' within the 'digestive fluids', right next to the small chunks of blue stuff that just has to be 'dog eyeballs.' I can't read the box, so I have no idea how this stuff is supposed to be cooked. Then again, even if I did, there's little chance I'm going to eat two-year-old defrosted Japanese steak that I found in the back of my closet. A guy's gotta have limits.

Just as I suspected! Cat food!

Don't worry about my kitten - I only let her have a bite or two before wrapping up this shit in a radioactive waste bag and mailing it back to Japan. Still, I can't help but notice that the cat now has three eyes, two tails, and the ability to hum the theme song from 227. Maybe I should've let her eat more of it. Maybe she would've turned into some kind of mutant Super-Cat, ultimately ending up so famous that she gets to market her own brand of fermented steak just like Hello Kitty. Maybe not. This stuff is god awful. I'm not advocating the dropping of any more atomic bombs over there, but I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind. Between this crud and Pearl Harbor, I'm ready to boycott negamaki and smelt egg altogether.