Balloon Fight was the kind of game I really enjoyed as a kid – simple and easy enough for my feeble mind and shitty hand coordination to conquer. When I watch my nephews play their Game Cubes and Playstations, I just marvel at how apt they’ve become. These are kids who start crying their eyes out at the sight of the times tables in their homework, yet they have no problem memorizing intricate thirteen-button patterns to aid in blowing up a city. I’ve got a Cube, but the only game I’ve ‘mastered’ is Smash Bros. Melee, and that was by necessity since if any of my friends ever defeat me in that game, I’ll probably build a microwave large enough to fit myself inside so I can cook and kill myself. I’ve got Rogue Squadron for the same system, but I can’t seem to even get past the opening credits.

You don’t have to know much to play Balloon Fight, and that’s why I like it. CLICK –>

To be completely honest, there’s probably some backstory with the Balloon Fight characters, but I’m too lazy to go searching for it. Besides, giving this game any deeper meaning would negate the point: it’s supposed to be simple and mindless, like Algernon after the smart juice wears out. As far as I was ever concerned, this game was just about a guy fated to fly around alien worlds, carried by two super-balloons. The enemies, which all look like parrots, aren’t really enemies. They’re just other flying balloon people. The only reason we’re supposed to kill them is because there just ain’t enough room in these little worlds for parrots and people to fly simultaneously. It’s a contest for the survival of the fittest.

Your character wears a helmet, though since the birds can still peck you to death while you’re wearing it, it must be a pretty shitty helmet. Armed with nothing more than his feet and a few balloons, you have to guide our hero through each level, trying to pop all the parrots’ balloons. If you let them sit too long after all the mass poppage, they’ll pull out an air pump and blow new balloons. It’s cute to look at but deadly in action – these parrots aren’t exactly driven or motivated creatures, but you can bet your bottom dollar AND THE DOLLAR IN THE MIDDLE TOO that they know how to pop balloons just as well as you do. What’s worse – they’re sort of like an elitist Nazi regime, in that they won’t pop each other’s balloons. Only yours. Everybody’s always jealous of the kid who gets the red ones.

The controls are adequate enough, or at least, they used to be on the old NES controllers. Since most of you who’ll play it nowadays will do so through the magic of emulation, you might get a tad frustrated trying to use the keyboard. Changing direction in midair isn’t easy, and you’ll likely find the character just rolling backwards out of control, as if some other evil parrot of the giant variety was slightly offscreen blowing at him. For some reason, games always feel more complete when you add in an imaginary giant parrot. Try it sometime. Whenever I play Tetris, I always picture a giant parrot playing whatever type of drum or harp that creates the glorious Russian march music. If you couldn’t tell by now, it’s around 5:20 AM and I’ve finally learned how to type in my sleep. I just wish my sleepbrain could do more constructive things than make up giant parrots in Balloon Fight.

The biggest coup is shown up above. If you kill one of the enemies in the right position, he’ll plunge to a watery grave. Sometimes though, it’s even better – a huge red fish jumps out of the lake and swallows him whole. Conversely, the fish will do the same to you if you stray too close, but only an idiot would go through all the trouble of creating magic helium balloons able to support the weight of an adult male and then proceed to fly the things over the one giant man-eating fish around.

Soundwise, the game is pretty strange. The score consists of assorted beeping noises, something like a cross between a whistle pop and a cicada swarm. I usually play it with the sound off since it’s the kind of music that makes me feel like spiders are crawling up my legs. I can’t really explain that, but if you’ve played the game you know what I mean. It starts off pretty catchy though, click here for the midi.

Overall Score: 6 outta 10. I have no real basis on that grade, and put no effort into deciding on the number. If it somehow upsets you, feel free to change it to a grade more to your liking. Download the stupid rom here.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!