I’ve written about “squeeze” candies before, which are, essentially, toothpaste tubes filled with impossibly sour glucose syrup instead of toothpaste. That may not be the most fluid way of describing them, but as the contents themselves are not fluid, I can safely declare my cumbersome wording as being completely intentional.
These “squeeze” candies are all over the place and from various makers, but I only notice them during assorted holiday seasons, when they’re patterned after cool stuff like blood or shiny Christmas wrapping paper. Beyond such festive forays, I’ve happily ignored the gooey confections…until today.
Whatever positive adjectives you can think of, ICEE Squeeze Candy deserves them. 7-Eleven Slurpees may be the standard, but that’s only because people don’t want to admit that the best slushies are more commonly found in K-Mart. Make no mistake, ICEE slushies > 7-Eleven Slurpees. ICEE slushies > almost everything else on the planet.
The slimy snacks taste unbelievably close to real ICEEs, with all of the appropriate sweetnesses and trademark sour notes. I picked up “Cherry” and “Blue Raspberry,” staying true to the general rule that “red” and “blue” candies are the only ones that matter. (There’s also a green one, but green sucks, so I didn’t bother checking which slushie flavor it was meant to represent. Let’s assume kale.)
I’m beyond pleased with these, especially the cherry one, which is so delicious that I now live in constant fear that I will lose the battle to its palatable charms, eat the whole thing in a minute, and deal with the intense stomach ache that squeeze candies are so prone to inducing.
If you couldn’t tell, I really, really love these. Everything about them. I love that we can eat candy that looks like prop poison from a bad movie about murderous alien plants. I love that the containers manage to fit in both ICEE’s hip polar bear mascot and a textual boast reading “TOO COOL!” I love that “Potassium Sorbate” is listed as an ingredient, because now I can end the search for my trip hop band name.
In other news, I kinda tanked on posting everyday in August, huh? I think some allowances should be made considering that I spent a fair portion of the month fending off rogue teeth with German accents. Besides, X-E’s eighth annual Halloween Countdown is starting up pretty soon, and I’m gonna Babe Ruth this shit: It’s going to be a good one. Haven’t decided when we’re starting. Pretty soon/not too soon. But boy, it will be fun. And how.
Just narrowly surviving Tooth Crisis 2010™, it’s time to unveil the big winner of X-E’s Least Favorite TV Character Paint Contest! This was a ridiculously tough decision, one that I could’ve spent weeks on, but through the power of instinct and audience feedback, this particular entry just felt right.
Congratulations, Alex! You’ve just won the best crab-shaped hat in the history of third-party Amazon sellers!
Uncle Joey was the most-submitted character, and everyone who elected Mr. Gladstone as their patron saint of bad TV really brought their A-game. It wasn’t easy to pick one specific Uncle Joey over the rest, but “DURP DURP DURP” gave this one that little special extra push. Awesome work, Alex. May your future by filled with crustacean-topped photo ops.
Still, many of you were viable candidates, so I hope nobody is too disappointed. I wish I could buy everyone crab hats, but I am not that charmed. Remember, though — everyone who entered is going to get something from me in the next week or two, so chins up, eyes on the mailbox, and thanks again for getting me out of actually having to write something interesting for several days this August!
At this precise moment, I’m loaded up on Percocets, trying to defeat a wisdom tooth gone awry. The pain started this weekend, and I’ve been trying every home remedy I can find. Salt rinses, peroxide rinses, cold teabags, hot teabags, whiskey, raw fucking potato slices — you name it. As you might have guessed, splashing a troubled tooth over and over again, and wedging wildly varying things against it, has served less to alleviate any pain and more to just piss the tooth off.
I can’t tell if it’s the Percocets or the lingering memories of errant scenes from Wild Things, but I’m about three throbbing stings of death away from grabbing a pair of pliers. Worst of all, I’m one of those people who constantly looks up my ailments. I can confirm that a toothache feels five times more horrible after you’ve spent an hour looking at fucked up teeth on Google’s image search.
You know what else doesn’t help? Writing about toothaches. But the show must go on.
Hooookay kids, we’re in the home stretch! It’s time to look at the last entries for X-E’s Least Favorite TV Character Paint Contest, and there are some doozies in this batch. Incidentally, typing the word “doozies” makes my tooth hurt even more. I hate that I was the person charged with identifying this previously unknown toothache trigger. I hate everything.
I’ve decided not to name the grand prize winner just yet. It seemed only fair to let everyone have a good look at the final entries first, because I’m going to need to review the audience reaction if I really want to be certain that I’m buying an idiotic crab hat for the most deserving arteest. After you’ve seen this batch, go back and look at the rest, and feel free to tell the world who should win this thing in the comments. Let’s plan on announcing the champion on, uh, hm, Wednesday? [more]
It’s old news, but I’m still smarting from the current-and-impending losses of Star Tours attractions from various Disney parks, which, as I understand it, are being totally gutted and revamped for the 2011 crowd. Sure, the ride is a little dated and can’t hold a candle to the sophistication of Disney’s more recent forays, but at the risk of losing that awesome Star Tours “safety video” starring Chewie and Ree-Yees, I have to ask: “Is nothing sacred?”
Though the actual ride part of Star Tours is a starship simulator taking you –this close– to the Death Star, the real joy happens when you’re still waiting on line. There, on the walls just outside the proper entrance, are video screens playing this “safety video,” telling you not to take pictures, and to wear your seatbelt, with all sorts of other warnings that seem kind of silly for a ride that is virtually impossible to hurt yourself during.
What’s amazing about the video is that they used real characters from the Star Wars universe to convey their points. You haven’t lived, at least not appropriately, until you’ve seen Ewoks and Wookies casually stroll to their seats among “normal” park visitors. So cheesy and so perfect, this was one of the many “Hot Disney Things” I celebrated during my huge Disney World trip report a few years back. (But then, I’m pretty sure I listed talking trash cans as a Hot Disney Thing, so I can’t exactly qualify it as a huge honor.)
Honestly, I’m a Star Wars nut, and I could name a million different Star Wars things that make me happy. The Star Tours “safety video” would easily crack the top ten. I’d even put it above the scene in ESB where Lando pushes a button on his two-way wrist radio to wake up Lobot. So we’re clear, there are very few things in this world that I would place above that scene.
I won’t pretend to know all of the ins and outs of the attraction’s current refurbishment, but it’s tough to imagine that the safety video will survive. Maybe that’s not a crime, but it should be. While most Star Tours fans mourn the loss of the actual ride, I’m stuck on that video. It’s perhaps the only existing evidence that Chewbacca has a seizure if you try to take pictures of him. That modest gorilla.
On the upside, Disney, Lucasfilm and Hasbro have teamed together and figured out a great way to let us commemorate the original Star Tours and make themselves about $600k in the process:
Behold, the Star Tours Boarding Party action figure set! It’s just another of the many Star Wars collectibles sold exclusively in Disney parks, assuming you don’t want to pay triple on eBay. This particular set is limited to a run of 15,000, meaning there are only 14,999 other people who can possibly have a Teek action figure. Soon I will kill them all to become truly unique.
A couple of months ago, a bunch of us went on a cruise that made a pit stop in Florida. We’d signed up for the Disney World excursion, which cost a lot more than five hours in Disney World should. By the time we got there, my nagging hangover had grown far too extreme to do anything but sit in the Polynesian Resort’s lobby and try not to throw up on all of the smiling, ukulele-playing greeters. The rest of the crew headed off for a park-by-park adventure, and a very kind friend picked this up for me. I rewarded him by automatically considering it a gift without asking if he expected to be paid back.
Starting with the less-exclusive figures, we have Chewbacca. As the back of the box says, “Chewbacca is an expert at starship piloting and repairs, but he also likes to relax and take convenient trips back to Endor to see his Ewok friends.” (The descriptions on the box try to come up with canonical explanations for guys like Chewbacca to go on Star Tours, because Chewie is fucking method and never breaks character.)
Chewie is joined by Kaink, the Ewoks’ high priestess and official legend-keeper, which is lot of responsibility for a creature whose base nature is to maim sheep and draw crude pictures with feces. Kaink’s removable cowl is made of real fabric instead of plastic or rubber, and this makes me way too excited.
Next, it’s the Star Tours Officer. His arms are articulated in such fashion that it’s easy for him to direct Ewoks this way or that way. According to the box, this guy is responsible for getting the passengers boarded, managing the support droids, and “overseeing operations in the souvenir trading post at the end of the tour.”
The final two figures are unreal in all the best ways. Ree-Yees, another character seen during the safety video, is perhaps best known for his 3.5 seconds of screen time during Return of the Jedi. He was a member of Jabba’s court, and since his brief appearance showed him kind of shoving another random alien, the zillions of Star Wars “expanded universe” authors have decided that he’s an uncouth drunkard, always looking for a fight.
From the box: “He likes to tour different planetary systems, and with his custom three-eye camera, he is able to snap some great photos as he travels the galaxy.” There have been several Ree-Yees action figures over the years, but this is the only one that comes with a three-eye camera accessory. This is a crucial bauble if one ever hopes to recreate the aforementioned magic moment where Chewbacca flips the fuck out over flash photography.
Finally, it’s Teek!!! Oh my God, an honest-to-goodness Teek action figure! Teek was a one-off character from the second made-for-television Ewok movie, titled The Battle For Endor. There are probably thousands of serious Star Wars fans who would have absolutely no clue who this is. In the film, Teek was the main companion to a stranded old woodsman played by Wilford Brimley, who comically zipped around at lightning fast speeds to confuse his enemies and annoy his friends. (To clarify: Teek did that, not Wilford. I wish it weren’t so.)
The Star Tours Boarding Party set retails for $40, which is kind of a lot, but kind of not a lot, since even a hot dog costs a several hundred dollars in a Disney park.
If they’re indeed destroying our beloved Star Tours safety video, it’s nice to have a memento. Especially a memento that lets me position Ree-Yees as an art house flunky who takes pictures of sunflowers and tries to sell them to anyone he makes three-eyed contact with.
Summer, at least as a point of interest, is rapidly nearing its close. Together, we yearn for the leaves to die and for every candle to come scented like pie.
The stores have already begun setting up for you-know-what, finally admitting that lame “back to school” sections just don’t pique as much interest as Dracula-shaped chocolate. But we must be brave and patient, friends. We don’t want our October to feel played before it even gets here. Let’s remember that, and do everything in our power to let summertime be awesome. Perhaps a new Kool-Aid review will help?
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010
Posted by Matt @ 3:12 pm [Permalink] [103 Comments]
Summer, at least as a point of interest, is rapidly nearing its close. Together, we yearn for the leaves to die and for every candle to come scented like pie.
