The Wendy's fast food chain was/is a longtime sponsor of the parade, and by that I mean, it had commercials during nearly every commercial break. (In 1993, they totally knocked McDonald's out of its rightful ad slots -- there wasn't a single McD's ad.) To prove that they were about more than just beauty shots of burgers, the company's late founder, Dave Thomas, arrived to give the crowd some early Christmas magic.
I really liked Dave Thomas. He seemed so agreeable and gregarious in those ads, I couldn't help spending years thinking that they just hired some random actor to represent the chain. Unfortunately, Dave didn't get to show off his trademark charm during the parade -- instead, he was charged with pulling a lever at the end of a performance by Little Orphan Annie, which was intended to make a giant Christmas tree light up and sparkle. Now, the lever was a gimmick -- it was totally cosmetic. It was up to the tech crew to cue the tree lights in sync with Dave's lever pull, and...they did not. Dave yanks the handle and extends his "TADA!!!" hands forward, and...nothing! The lights didn't go on until about 30 seconds later, and Dave looked PISSED. I mean, who wants to stand on live television holding out their "TADA!!!" hands when there's nothing to tada about? I bet some people paid for this with their lives.
There's always a McDonaldland marching band at these Macy's Parades, and they're always led by a real life Ronald McDonald. It's never the Ronald McDonald from the commercials, but even with the cruder, chunkier face paint, the facsimile is always reasonable enough to make me excited. This is Ronald in the real world, folks. Nothing to sell. Nobody telling him what to do. Ronald's free to guide his own light, and in 1993, he used that power to...well, he just kind of danced around as if one of his legs was on fire, but at least he did it because that's what he damned well wanted to do.
As Willard Scott was famously the first-ever televised Ronald McDonald, not a single Macy's Parade went by without this being brought up. Hey, at least he was proud. After real life Ronald scurried off-screen, Katie held up a framed photo of Willard in the old school McDonald clown costume, and HOLY SHIT was it ever scary. I don't even know how to describe it, but let me try: He looked like the Hobgoblin in a referee shirt with a pizza box on his head. Methinks the early success of McDonald's was contingent on children eating cheeseburgers in fear that Ronald McDonald would fucking KILL THEM if they didn't.
Next up, old ladies transform into cold ladies as poor Debbie Reynolds and Shari Lewis go through with their performances despite the heavy winds, Debbie in particular looking like she could've collapsed at any moment. The Lamb Chop bit didn't play out so well. Shari kept flubbing and giving Lamb Chop her lines to lip-sync, and vice versa. Still, given that she was the cleanup hitter for a bunch of giant balloons with no heads, everyone seemed to dig it.
I don't have a lot to say about this Dragontales float, but it was definitely a parade highlight. Based on a bunch of books I've never read, the float featured magnificent, giant, well-crafted dragons that spat smoke from their nostrils and chilled out around comparatively tiny volcanoes. This wasn't a very big franchise, at least in terms of franchises that get parade coverage, but I'm still surprised that they didn't give the float more screen time. Of all the trimmings in the 1993 Macy's Parade, this thing was probably the biggest effort.
By the time Santa Claus arrived, there was a sense of defeatism in us all. The crowd was gone, the hosts were done and most of the balloons had exploded. Santa arrived because tradition dictated that he had to, but for all intents, the parade ended an hour prior, and you can tell by the big man's halfhearted waves that this was all just a formality. Poor Santa Claus.
As the hosts sign off, Willard steals one last kiss from Katie, and by Christ, do they ever look happy that this is all over. I still contend that the 1993 Macy's Parade wouldn't have hit a home run even without the wind troubles (it had a shitty lineup, tons of production flubs and just a general lack of "magic"), but when push comes to shove, we must blame Mother Nature for taking it to the level of a cultural disaster. I exaggerate, but still, headless balloons? On the other hand, train wrecks can be fun to watch, and this parade beat the reality television craze by a good few years.
Let's give some credit where it's due, though. This show takes miracles to weave even when the forces of nature are on its side. It's one of the toughest live events of all time and one of the toughest television productions of all time. With the way things were going, everyone could've just as easily called it quits and started the football pre-game brouhahas an hour early. Instead, they plowed on, did they best they could, and gave me enough juice to write two pages worth of complete and total nonsense about their experience over a decade later. My hat's off to you, parade people. You inspire me.
Whoops, not done yet. If you've read the previous X-E Macy's Parade reviews, you know the drill. They're annoying when you have to deal with them "live," but in retrospect, seeing the old commercials that aired during the parades is just about my favorite part of watching 'em again. As our culture is defined by what it hawks us, it's neat to look back at what was what and remember how the simple didn't seem so simple at the time. Mostly, though, it's a reminder of how awesome Triples Cereal was. Here's five of my favorite commercials that aired during the 1993 Macy's Parade...
Wendy's Big Bacon Classic Combo: The parade was absolutely saturated with Wendy's commercials -- and not just the same one commercial over and over again, but a whole series of ads featuring Dave Thomas in variously wacky compromising holiday situations! I don't feel like running the gamut because it's too late to get hungry and make good on Wendy's drive-thru, but here's one of the commercials. In it, a group of Dave's neighbors come by and complain that he's not interested in their various holiday goods, but come to understand his plight when he tells them of Wendy's new combo meal. I don't know. I still don't get it really, but it's a got a sassy old lady mouthing off about prune tarts, and that always works for me. Click here to watch it!
Triples Cereal: I hope I'm not the only one who remembers this stuff, because Triples Cereal rocked the house. Picture a cross between Rice Krispies and Quaker Puffed Rice, and then make all of the pieces fall into three categories of color, flavor and texture -- that's Triples, and it was gooood. Speaking of Rice Krispies, this particular commercial went on the attack, calling the fruit of Snap, Crackle and Pop's loins "one dimensional" -- illustrated by showing everyone who eats Rice Krispies with inch-thick, floppy bodies. Pay careful attention to the 25 second mark, as a new inch-thick family member enters the kitchen from out of nowhere and just cracks my shit up to no end. Click here to watch it!
Fisher Price Tournament Table: Oh Hell yes. I never had this thing, but like everyone else on the planet, I would've killed for one. With the power of alternate tabletops, you could either play pool, ping pong, or in the ultimate case, a game of glide hockey boosted with kickass neon lights so you could battle in the dark. The commercial is just brilliant, showing two kids running the marathon of all three games, refusing to return to civilization even in the black of night, with the loser insisting that they play "one more game" as his face glows red under the hockey table's battery-operated laser show. I'm sure this is one of those toys that only worked out half as well as it looked on television, but it looked really good on television. I would've been completely satisfied with "half as well." Click here to watch it!
Home Alone 2 On VHS: "Jingle Bells" can be aped royalty-free, so it's no surprise that they retooled it for this Home Alone 2 home video commercial, which you'll probably remember if you are the same age as me and watched television at the exact same times as me. Well did you? Click here to watch it!
NBC Saturday: Just a little promo for NBC's Saturday lineup; specifically, Empty Nest and Nurses. This was one of those special nights when the two programs intertwined, first with Harry delivering his daughter's baby on Empty Nest, and then someone else's baby on Nurses, and then good Christ why am I still writing? It's 3:41 AM and I have to make stuffed mushrooms in six hours. I'm going to bed. Click here to blah blah blah blah blah.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night.
TADA! SIKE!
