hullo. i am madd matt. i work for better homes and gardens. i handle the halloween department. i asked if i could handle the christmas department, but they said that people who worship satan and do not wash may not represent the catholics. i was going to refute their claims, but before i could, i accidentally swallowed my tongue. so here i am, mr. halloween himself. and we have a very special episode in store for you today.
i have noticed that many of you would like to start decorating for halloween before the middle of october. i agree with that sentiment. halloween deserves at least two full months of celebration, if not more. so, i've taken it upon myself to eat your kidneys prepare this lesson on how to start the festivities a little earlier this year.
so, you want to carve a pumpkin, aye? not to worry. even though the supermarkets don't start stocking pumpkins till early october, there is a loophole. THERE IS A LOOPHOLE ACKKK COUGH. here is what you will need. item can be found at your local grocer. cheap.
go out and pick up an extra large crenshaw melon. they taste like the blood of children but you're not buying it to eat anyway. you see, crenshaw melons are almost exactly like pumpkins, just a little sweeter. you can carve them and place candles inside and nobody will be the wiser. crenshaw melons will not cost you more than two or three dollars. regular pumpkins cost eighty million dollars. value your money and make the right decision.
you will also need ice cream cones and cake frosting. you can pick any color of cake frosting you like, but i picked pink because it reminds me of the girl ghost from pac-man. she was hot i wanna eat her liver. don't forget the pumpkin carving tools, otherwise you'll have to slice the melon using a butterknife and the melon will think you don't love it the same as you do real pumpkins. establishing rapport with the crenshaw melon is essential to our project. be nice to it and love it like you would your grandmother.
first, carve the top piece off. be gentle because crenshaw melons have the tendency to fall apart at the drop of a hat. if your melon falls apart, use rubber bands to keep it together. this works phenomenally. i am a demon and i'm going to tarnish your soul using voodoo tricks.
remove the melony stuffing so you can continue carving. personally, i always discard the innards, but you may find them glorious in assorted pies and pastries if you're creative enough in the kitchen. the seeds you'll find will not aid you in the growing of melon trees, so do not even attempt it. we are making halloween decorations - not a garden.
the juicy melon viscera doubles as a major exfoliate on the skin. my hands have not felt this soft since i smothered cow brains on them last year. you will watch with wonder as layers upon layers of dead skin are magically whisked away to a realm i call 'dead skin heaven.' in dead skin heaven, palmolive is abundant. i hope to go there one day when i die again.
you can carve the pumpkin/melon's face in any way you like. i like to go for a more classic look, but that is because zombies don't have great motor skills and i do not want to get ahead of myself trying to navigate the knives.
next up, it is time to smother the crenshaw melon with your choice of cake frosting. i will explain why in just a moment, but just so you know, you can use egg whites if cake frosting is not available. but egg whites don't taste as nice as cake frosting. i'd go with frosting. forget i mentioned eggs. eggs are for catholics.
cake frosting is good on the pallet. get aquatinted with your frosting before using it. it is a zen thing.
now, cover the outside of your melon with the gooey stuff. it will make it prettier and is absolutely imperative if you want to complete your makeshift jack'o'lantern. when you are finished, the melon should look like a very vertical birthday cake. do not get confused and start sticking candles on it yet, though. save the candles for later. cough cough hack death devil ghoul wayans brothers.
next up, you will need two ice cream cones. no you do not also need ice cream. unless you think you will get hungry while making your melon/pumpkin. then you will need ice cream. any type of cones will do, but sugar cones are best because they're a darker shade than most cones. darker shades are more evil than lighter shades. and i am evil too.
look i'm madonna! heh heh heh...
heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!
when you are finished, your crenshaw melon pumpkin should look like a cross between a hellspawn and pikachu. you have done well and i am proud of your exploits. you would be a great asset to the forces of hell. now we can add candles and fire to the fun. this is the best part i swear.
it is so beautiful and it can also act as a sugariffic nightlight if you are afraid of the dark. of course, i am not afraid of the dark. i am the dark.
i hope you enjoyed this lesson on how to celebrate halloween in september. perhaps next year we can carve coconuts and learn how to celebrate it as early as july 15th. would that not be bitchin? i love halloween and i love you all too, i hope you'll all tune in next week. i have prepared a wonderful seminar on how to get the most mileage out of a discarded fetus. be there or be square.
  
  
- Matt
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