September 12, 2005:
Revised for us filthy Americans in 1982 after a very similar release in Japan, Epoch's Dracula electronic game is considered a classic by some, mostly because it one of the first truly popular handhelds on the market. I think? I realize we must reflect on ancient technology with a forgiving eye, but even after you chip away the 20+ years of us being spoiled by better graphics and gameplay, I just can't see how anyone thought Dracula was fun. In other words, I still haven't been able to get past the first enemy character and it's starting to get on my fucking nerves.
The package says it's "the game of mystery and challenge," but who bothered to read shitty text blurbs when there's a picture of that dude on the box? I'm hesitant to call him "Dracula" since any old, Shakespearean-looking fool could wear a cape, but that's certainly the implication, and this is certainly some of the best cheesy package art I've ever seen. You wouldn't find something like this today unless it was a very intentional parody, and the fact that Epoch really meant to inspire a sense of rip roarin' dread with Old Man Capey makes the whole ordeal all the more endearing, something I'm confident cannot be said three times fast.
Almost a decade ago, when I was just crossing the border from a kid who played with toys to a kid who was too old to play with toys, I acquired this gem in a very my-sided action figure trade. It always got the ladies moist. The box sat beautifully on one of my many crude 4x4' wood plank shelves, but to be truthful, I never actually fired the actual game up. Requiring either four "C" batteries or a DC adapter, the mood just never struck to find out if I had the cajones to break into Dracula's castle and steal his gold. No, really, that's the point of the game. Later selling it off on eBay for some quick cash, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I located another, and after parting with what I now consider to be way too much money for an electronic game I only wanted to spend 500 words on, I finally had the chance to power it up and see what I missed. Confucius say I MISSED NOTHING. I know it's become lame to say that you appreciate something for being lame, but I cannot tell a lie: I love Epoch's Dracula game because it sucks. My blood.
Criminally expensive in a time before home console gaming was universally embraced, the tag on the front suggests that Dracula ran for 45 bucks even when it was on sale. Steep, but much like Coleco's tabletop arcade games, the shape and bulk of Epoch's Dracula made it feel so much worthier than any handheld that could arguably fit in a pocket. I'm not saying it looked like it took quarters, but it was pretty close to dimes.
I won't spend a lot of time crying about Dracula's graphics considering that the time's most popular handhelds didn't have much better, but where this entry really succeeded was its storyline. Make no mistake, when I check out the actual game screen, I have no idea what I'm looking at. Shit looks like one of those sea maps evil submarines use to torpedo heroic submarines in bad war movies. The box and the manual help flesh everything out, identifying all the little blips and shapes and giving your character a reason for wanting to plow through 'em and risk his life and extra lives. Seems that you're a treasure hunter who learned of an ancient wealth of gold resting inside one of Dracula's alternate coffins. I love this. You're not there to escape the monsters or rid your town of their beastly ways -- ya just want some gold. This kind of true-to-life ambition is missing from most video game icons, and since I can relate to one's selfish desire for a bunch of money rocks, I'm going to try a lot harder to outwit the Wolfman and outdance the vampire bats. After I pillage Dracula's pillows for pyrite, I'll buy his monsters' allegiances and rechristen myself Count Treasure Hunter.
The way Dracula was presented obviously accounts for many of the positive memories people had; it looked far grander than it actually was, and generally speaking, kids needed both hands to carry it from room to room. The shell is gloriously horrorfied (not horrified, it's not a typo, don't e-mail me), forged in blood red with various images of creepy bats, death mementos and evil fences. The joystick earned the first syllable of its name by being comparatively huge, and the buttons were equivalently large. In other words, you could pound the hell out of Dracula and it probably wouldn't break. It's too soon for another "generally speaking," but generally speaking, electronics that were okay to pound the hell out of were worth more than ones that weren't.
Though the LCD video game screen was small in reality, an immense, magnifying plastic window made everything seem four thousand times bigger. When you first turn Dracula on, you're greeted with a short burst of spooky "DO YA KNOW WHATCHER GETTIN' YERSELF INTA?" music, while a demo of the game materializes onscreen. In practice, it's extremely difficult to master even despite the "set difficulty" option, frustrating the heck out of anyone who's ever been convinced that they'd be able to knock a brick wall down before the Wolfman ate them.
The graphics aren't as shoddy as the image above suggests, but they're close. Next to the score area in the upper left is your heroic Treasure Hunter. He'll need to match fists with two green Wolfmen before breaking down the wall to the next section. It takes several "punches" to do that, and the screen goes black for each one. Epoch thought it'd be dramatic. In the next section are some bats (bad) and diamonds (good), along with a hot cross accessory that'll come in handy when you make your way to the third and final section -- Dracula's chamber. Four coffins stand inside, one of which containing several pounds of good times gold. The others contain Dracula, realized in the form of a larger bat who chases Treasure Hunter around with a very high success rate of catching and killing him. It's a little more intricate than I'm describing (you're supposed to collect all sixteen diamonds before funkin' up Dracula's spit, for instance), but all in all, Dracula's one-bedroom ranch is totally unsuited for Transylvania's most prominent bastard demon.
It's incredibly frustrating at first, but eventually, you get the hang of it. At least, that's what I've read in others' reviews. I wholeheartedly disagree and will bet my soul that no one on the planet has ever even made it past the two lime Wolfmen. I tried, I failed. I tried again, I failed again. I somehow doubt that there's a tremendously rewarding ending sequence afforded to those who steal Dracula's gold and live to tell about it, but I'd really like to find out for myself someday. I need...quicker hands.
All told, Epoch's Dracula game is a nice reminder of a time when the most famous Universal Monster still meant something. We'll be seeing more hits from Dracula's past as the Halloween Countdown progresses, so if you hate Dracula, prepare to hate me too.
Epoch's Dracula Game Instructions. Click Pages To Enlarge.
    
- Matt (9/12/05)
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