September 28, 2004:
I've got two words for you: Gummy Fangs.
Reluctantly created by Gummy Factory Incorporated, "Gummy Fangs" are indeed just that: fangs which are gummy. You get a huge bag of 40 for just a few bucks, each individually wrapped so they won't end up as one gooey mass of gummy brains if left uneaten for a few weeks. I haven't seen a whole lot of good Halloween candy this year that wasn't just a redressed version of something always available, but Gummy Fangs pull it off. Nothing like these will be around come November, and if we're talking about the Halloween season, there's few snack choices that can top edible vampire teeth.
With just a slight tear in the bag, our entire kitchen burst with the scent of strawberry yogurt. Gummy Fangs absolutely stink, a trait that makes their flavor decipherable even by those twelve miles away. You know what these bad boys are gonna taste like long before they hit your throat, so I hope you're down with the s-berry.
Being individually wrapped also makes Gummy Fangs practically the best thing you could ever give to a trick-or-treater. If sold singularly, it wouldn't be farfetched to see these babies go for a solid buck. All the kids in the neighborhood will think you're rich or very very nice. Besides, even the most easily spooked children would never turn down fang-shaped gummy candy on Halloween. It'd be sacrilegious if this was at all important.
I'm hardly an adult, but I still get a big kick out of making sure the trick-or-treaters who knock on my door leave with some kind of truly spooky Halloween impression, whether it's by giving out candy vampire fangs or by dressing up like a vampire and jumping out at the young beggars from behind a bush and repeatedly kicking them in the stomach. Handing out Gummy Fangs is a nice way to give back to the holiday that's done so much for you.
For something that would've sold just fine on the merits of being called "Gummy Fangs" alone, Gummy Factory didn't half-ass the candy's appearance. The lips are bright pink, like yours; the normal teeth are off-white, like yours; the canines are translucent red, like Gozer's. The mouths aren't quite life-sized, but would be if we'd evolved into much smaller people.
To be honest, their odor is much stronger than their taste. The pink lips have virtually no flavor -- they're just marshmallow clumps of faux flesh, unassuming in everything but their hideous shape. The white teeth try to fool you into believing they're vanilla, but they too are flavorless. Only the red megafangs bear the tart n' sour satisfaction you've been craving, and 20 bucks says you'll have a huge pile of Gummy Fangs with all of the canines bitten off if you take my advice and buy three bags.
There's a look at a Gummy Fang from the back. I won't be crass, but I think we can safely say that the candy is multipurpose.
Along the same lines are these terrific "Skull Pops," which remind me of the somewhat cooler Deadheads from last year's Halloween Countdown. Helping to boost the sadly lacking market of horrifying lollipop shapes, Skull Pops provide the unheard of magic combination of grape and strawberry cream, creating a sucker worthy of many thousand licks.
"Gummy Fangs" and "Skull Pops" can't compare to your everyday favorites in terms of flavor, but at least until Halloween, they've got it where it counts: they're shaped like teeth and monsters. Hopefully they'll figure out how to transform into silver bells and snowflakes by late November.
- Matt (9/28/04)
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