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 October 6, 2004:
Are Cheetos Halloweenish enough for ya? No?
Well, they are now. The fun-sized bags you used to pack into your lunchboxes have been grouped into piles of 40 and crammed into big cardboard "Sneak A Treat" boxes, and I for one am LOVING THIS. Frito Lay has done the same thing with Doritos and a few other hallmark chips, and aside from being perfect for kid-populated Halloween parties, it reminds me of the one true wildcard of the trick-or-treating process: bags of potato chips, pretzels and other salty junk food. They were never in your dreams, they were never part of the plan...but if a house was offering, you were all over that shit.
See, trick-or-treating was sort of like Christmas morning with more work and less payoff. You knew you were going to get some good stuff, but you had no idea about those filthy wildcards - things you never would've expected, in good ways and bad ways. Basically, anything that couldn't be purchased in the Halloween section of a standard grocery store was a wildcard: loose change, popcorn balls, packs of stickers and homemade treats all fit the bill. Fun-sized bags of junk food would also get lumped into this category. It was always such a thrill to go about your trick-or-treating, collecting what even a fat child considered "too much chocolate," when out of nowhere, a woman busts out of her front door, dressed like a witch, carrying a plastic cauldron full of small potato chip bags. Goddamn that was a long sentence. It was a huge score; even if you preferred Snickers or Twix on the surface, deep down you knew the truth -- those chips were gonna be the first thing down your throat after you got home, if not sooner.
The box alone is worth the price (a measly five bucks at most stores), featuring Chester Cheetah and all sorts of scary crap. Other boxes have other scenes - the Doritos box is covered in sheet ghosts and mass terror. Best of all, there's a punch-out hole on the side to allow for easy bag removal, so you'll never have to actually "open" the box and ruin the thousand play opportunities it presents. If you're a kid, that box is worth a ton. It's easily converted into everything from action figure castles to the humble beginnings of a full-head foil-covered robot mask. And even at my age, I can't help noticing what a terrific outbox it'd make for my desk at work. You don't even have to like Cheetos to see what a bargain that box is. LOVING THIS.
And, dare you think that they've only attacked half the ass with the Halloween upgrade, let me point out that even the bags themselves have been spookified, featuring Chester Cheetah in three different costumes: Frankenstein, the Mummy and Dracula. I guess the Wolfman hit too close to home, what with wolves and cheetahs being nearly identical down to the last spot and all. It's incredible how much more important Cheetos seem when they're themed for the holidays. If nothing else, the gimmick bought 'em a 500-word article on a site three kids and my mother read.
Sadly, they didn't bother to upgrade the actual cheesy bits - they're the same dusty cheese-clubs they always were. My kingdom for a bat-shaped Cheeto.
If you're looking for your Halloween junk food to go a little deeper than the surface level, skip the Cheetos and move onto Pringles. I mentioned Halloween Pringles last year, sold in the traditional cylinder, but I haven't seen the cylinders yet this season. Instead, they've been made available in those cutesy multi-packs:
The ultimate horror: orange-dyed chips. They taste the same, they smell the same, but honey, they go doing looking done different. There's something supernatural about eating orange Pringles, but I can't tell you what it is without offending Lord Anguish and becoming forever damned to the Lair of Crap down in Hades. Sorry, but spreading rumors about Pringles ain't worth eternity in the Lair of Crap. I think I'll go pray now.
- Matt (10/06/04)
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