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October 17, 2004:
Back when I was a high school freshman, a combination of Cobain biographies and broad fashion trends instilled in me a sense to dress as strangely as possible, in part to gain friends, in part to have a cause, in part because I was fifteen. Somewhere between the black nail polish and mismatched Converse sneakers was a longing for fucked up contact lenses, during the golden years before Marilyn Manson broke out, made 'em famous, and caused every young teen who wasn't birthed with pretty blue eyes to hit Lenscrafters for a pair of blood reds. I never achieved my dream of having contact lenses that precluded me from being acceptable in most public settings, but I've always held onto the somehow-belief that I had to, one day, make my eyes look really fucked up.
Like a dove in the night, a site that sells the things approached me wanting to advertise on the site. I didn't think I could pull off adding another sponsor without making a very concerned reader start a forum thread about it on a completely unrelated soccer site, instead asking if they'd mind giving me a little discount in return for a review on X-E. Works out for everyone. While there's many of us too old or SOPHISTO to pull off wearing these in the modern day world, there's one occasion ripe for lens action: Halloween. Indeed, there are very few costumes that wouldn't be remarkably improved with the addition of fucked up contacts, and you'll be amazed at how much further removed from normalcy you feel in these when compared to the everyday scary rubber mask. So, big thanks to Party Lenses for supplying the goods reviewed below. If I remember correctly, screwy contacts used to cost well over a hundred if you checked the legendary Eye Store at the mall. Party Lenses does it for a whole lot cheaper, and if my order was any indication, they got the shit here fast.
I picked up four pairs that'll give you a good feel for the variety out there. The overall assortment is just insane, running the gamut from lizard contacts to pumpkin contacts to contacts with little icons that send shoutouts to local sports teams right from your very eyes. Their application process is no harder than that of regular contact lenses, though some of the more detailed ones feel heavier and more "solid," making your memory bank deposit that long-forgotten factoid from The Making of Thriller television special citing how messed up and runny Michael Jackson's eyes got from the demon lenses. Toss those reservations aside -- I have the most sensitive eyes on the planet, prone to bleeding even from just looking at pointy things, and I got four pairs in and outta there without so much of a pus. Though mostly sold in cosmetic varieties, certain chains sell prescription freak lenses, albeit for ten trillion dollars. If you actually need contact lenses to see with, you're pretty much screwed and shall never taste the sweet nectar that is an eye turned evil.
Though I didn't photograph an example of this for the article, here's a good way to go the extra mile on Halloween: pick up two completely unlike sets of fucked up contacts and wear one from each. These things aren't exactly underground anymore; if you're going to a Halloween party, chances are high that someone else there may have had the grand but false notion that he and only he had ever heard of freaky contact lenses. Two pairs is a safer bet. Three pairs is the safest bet if you recently drank liquid plutonium and grew eye #3.
Whiteout Lenses: One of my favorites in the bunch, and probably the most striking. Shockingly explained, Whiteout lenses turn your eyes white. It doesn't sound like much when you see little flyers promoting "Alien Eye Contacts" and "Contacts That Talk," but truth be told, it just don't get much freakier than Whiteout white eyes. They'll make your seeing-things appear as if they're glowing, and of all the contacts featured, Whiteout lenses are the only ones that look completely screwy even from a distance away. Now you won't have to get all up in somebody's grill just to prove that you're on the edge, man.
Cateye Lenses: Irresistible. While wearing any of the other lenses mentioned here, I could look in the mirror, laugh, punch it and be done. Only with the Cateyes did I truly feel like I could summon raw energy in my hands and channel it out of my fingertips in the form of Hell's fire, plowing through city after city on a murderous rampage. Cateyes can also be utilized perfectly for reptilian costumes. Think of the possibilities -- paint a sliver of your face green, wear one of the lenses, and viola, you're one of the aliens who ate human flesh in V.
Spiral Lenses: You wouldn't think that all-black contact lenses with white spirals running through 'em would be the least nuts of the bunch, but yeah, they are. I could probably go grocery shopping in the things without attracting a stray eye. Only upon close inspection will anyone be able to label you a CRAZY FREAK, but then, most of the people you'll allow to stand two inches from your face generally aren't the kind of people who'd make fun of you for wearing stupid contacts. I guess these lenses are for people who feel an innate need to wear fucked up lenses but often attend high class corporate galas or religious ceremonies. On the upside, it's nice to be able to hypnotize any asshole who locks eyes with me just by keeping my lids up. Once they're under my control, I'll have them paint mice playing poker and continually comment "oh shit, I meant dogs" every time they finish. I love agreeable slave artists.
Fire Lenses: Of all the contacts featured, I had the lowest hopes for these. Just didn't seem all that incredibly odd. As it turns out, they're my favorite set and the thought that will put off suicide for at least another two weeks. They're mostly yellow, rimmed with red flames that completely guarantee you safety from any old ladies who'd potentially want help crossing the street or getting up after a big tumble. I'd kill to be living a life where the constant wearing of Fire lenses wouldn't be so frowned upon, and it's for this reason that I've just set up a retirement fund which is more of a code name for my secret plan to build a mechanical island near the Keys where I can hop and skip around the bamboo shoots wearing Fire lenses with my balls flying wild and free.
Again, big thanks to Party Lenses for providing excellent service and assisting me in turning my beady eyes into something that damns the man with every blink. Pay 'em a visit if you want to join the exclusive club of lens-wearing demonchildren who all like documentaries on frog reproduction.
- Matt (10/17/04)
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