October 1, 2004:
October is here, October is here! We've been rockin' the Halloween sprit since mid September, but let's face it -- it just doesn't count until the 9 turns 10. It's pretty incredible; I'm waiting on the bus stop to go to work this morning, just like every other day, and I can't help but wonder if it was just a colossal coincidence that on the First of October, everything felt eighty times more Halloweeny. The leaves were turning, the air had that pleasant "comfortably dead" feel, and to my far right, I saw two guys putting up a big banner for Dunkin Donuts' limited edition Halloween Spice donut. I think that last part was what cinched it.
It's just such a warm, fuzzy feeling. October 1st more or less marks the beginning of three solid months where you can escape your troubles by thinking about the upcoming quartet of holidays. First we get Halloween with its many plastic vampires, followed by Thanksgiving and rounding out with the double-punch of Christmas and New Year's. (Christmas is replaced with other holidays for many, yes, but the theme remains intact) It's truly the best time of year, with so much to wonder about and look forward to. The tricky part is taking it one step at a time, so let's forget about the months ahead and slow dance with what's right in front of us: Halloween is coming, and it's time to celebrate.
To properly usher in October for X-E's Halloween Countdown, I searched and searched for the one special something that could pinpoint the season's spirit just as much as pumpkins and shoddy witch makeup. Couldn't find jack shit, so you get the Grim Rapper instead:
Yes folks, the Grim Rapper. Gag gifts have a storied history of sucking, and though this one's no different, I'm so tempted to give it a pass if only because it's the first instance of a grim reaper who knows how to boogie. You've seen similarly styled dolls a zillion times: battery-operated and universally ugly figurines that bop around and play music if you clap or drop a plate in their vicinity. Halloween brings forth tons of these dolls based on virtually every monster you can think of, but to date, I've never seen something as flat out ridiculous as a jeans-wearing grim reaper who freestyles.
And, if you think you have, I urge you to check out the gold and silver rings vaguely painted onto his bony fingers. The Grim Rapper has immediately replaced those SILVER FROM GROUND ZERO commemorative coins as the true patron saint of bad taste. It's terrible enough to fuel the tired cliches of the hip hop community, but now they're screwing around with dead people too.
The Grim Rapper retails for fifteen bucks, and is sold wherever you usually find cheap pieces of crap. Still, I gotta give 'em sooo many bonus points for bringing such a ludicrous concept to fruition, and I wouldn't be shocked if the Grim Rappers are selling like hotcorpses oh OH. Fifteen dollars is almost reasonable, so don't fear the reaper yo.
The doll itself is of poor quality, but it really does dance, and yep, it sings. I wasn't going to go through the trouble of recording the Grim Rapper's song, but I'll give you some of the lyrics in a bit. I personally guarantee that you'll be serenading Mystery Checkout Girl at midnight using the kind of limericks only the mind of a rapping grim reaper could possibly conjure up. Make sure you send him a royalty check. He'll notice. Reapers always do.
Dressed in a black hoodie, jeans, Converse sneakers and enough gold to anchor an ocean liner, the Grim Rapper is all about the bling and not at all about making sure the upper part of his arms maintain the same bony look as the lower parts. Don't roll up this guy's sleeves or pant legs, because the truth is horror-rable. You can't see through the frames of his sunglasses, and I maintain that the grim reaper switched professions after going blind. Plenty of famous musicians collected souls before they went blind. One of them even had sex with Yetta.
Spooky, scary, quite contrary. Once you hit a button on the Grim Rapper's belly (clearly marked on his shirt as such), he'll start busting out the money lines while bopping up and down like a reaper who really needs to piss. The song is endless and devastating, yet completely entrancing. A verse for your pleasure:
"One night out...to have some fun. Out on the town...on October Thirty-One. The time is right...Halloween night. Ghouls and ghosts...A GRIM RAPPER'S DELIGHT!"
And to think, Norah Jones has a statue to polish every morning and the Grim Rapper doesn't. Maybe you need another verse for extra persuasion:
"Trick or treat, trick or treat, gimme somethin' good to eat. I'd like some candy, please...it tastes so good! Trick or treat, trick or treat, bounce with me to the beat. Who's there...the man in da hood."
Okay, that verse doesn't hit quite as heavily as the first, but hey, this is a grim reaper who raps... you had to expect him to be at least a tad experimental. Gee-R's teeth chatter maniacally as the hidden second mouth in his ass raps. During all of this, he's having convulsions:
Every body part shown above moves n' grooves while the Grim Rapper does his thang, and it's a real spectacle. It's like somebody overheard two people having a conversation about how Big Mouth Billy Bass was the single worst fad item in history and decided right then and there to prove the pair of strangers wrong. I hate to blame this whole thing on a talking plastic fish, but the grim fucking reaper just shook its booty at me and I really, really need to put the blame on something.
Naw, I kid. It's dumb, it's fun, and it gets laughs. People are either genuinely amused by the Grim Rapper or genuinely amused that there might be a person on the planet capable of being genuinely amused by a grim reaper who raps and shakes its groove thing. At the very least, some big company figurehead had the cahoonas to stand in front of a room of investors and say "fuck you, I'm using your funding to make 250,000 rapping grim reapers." I commend whomever was brave enough to pull that trigger, even if he's in the poorhouse with many huge regrets. Financing something like the Grim Rapper Project takes real balls.
Grab yourself one of these. Why not? A loss of fifteen bucks won't change the way you live, and there's just some intangible quality of going through life knowing you can always go home to a Grim Rapper. I'm down widdit, playas. Happy October 1st Day.
- Matt (10/01/04)
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