X-Entertainment wants your twenty dollars as quickly as possible.

I am sadness, I am despair. I am...without car. It all happened so suddenly, so without warning or remorse. About a month ago, I got rid of my old car in favor of a '95 Saturn, hoping that I'd actually be able to drive for a few miles without causing the automobiles to explode. Unfortunately, the Saturn was a stick shift - something I'm apparently in no way capable of learning correctly, because in a scant few weeks, I've managed to both completely ruin the car's clutch and any chance I have at hitting 88 mph and visiting Cowboy Doc back in the wild, wild west. This all came to a head last night, as I found myself with a broken car at 3 AM on the Garden State Parkway, having to depend on nice policeman to call nice tow truck people to carry my poor Saturn to a nearby hotel and leave it there for death. Currently, the car is still in this hotel's parking lot - in another state and without my comforting hands around its pitiful wheel. My car is sad, too.

It's been estimated that it'll cost 500-900 bucks to fix the damage. To many, this would be a minor annoyance, but one they could cope with. For me, 500 bucks is around 500 times more than my life savings. It's not so much that I don't have the cash to fix it - moreover that doing so will preclude me from buying any of the more designer types of ice cream for the next few years. We can't have that, so I'm seeking your aid in a roundabout way. No, not looking for a handout. (Unless you want to buy me a new car. In that case, I've always been fond of the Camry) A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I purchased large lots of vintage crap. Very special vintage crap. This stuff has been sitting inside boxes in closets for the past seven years or so, and considering my latest Car Trauma, I thought this might be a good time to try to unload 'em.

The deal: 20.00 postpaid for three mighty fine items. Let's learn more about these mighty fine items. Everyone loves mighty fine items.

What you get: TWO sealed Gremlins book-and-record sets, from 1984. ONE E.T. 'Colors' learning book, from 1982. IN A REALLY TERRIFIC ENVELOPE, FOLKS! All items are in mint shape, unused and unperused. Want a closer look? Of course you do!

My oh my. Beauty has a new name. That new name is 'two Gremlins books and an E.T. book.' Come on, it's catchy. Keep in mind, all of these items are the originals from when the movies first came out - they're not reissues, and haven't been available since the early 80s. As everyone knows, anything from the early 80s will soon appreciate to monetary values topping several trillion dollars. Consider your twenty bucks a massive investment. Pretty soon you'll be richer than Mrs. Deagle, but you'll still have the heart of Rand Peltzer. You'll practically be a god damned perfect person, all because you bought twenty bucks worth of crap from me.

The two Gremlins book-and-record sets you'll receive are entitled 'Gremlins Trapped.' That title alone is worth half the money you're spending. Each of the sets are sealed, and each comes with a colorful storybook about Gizmo and Stripe. The story focuses around Billy and Kate attempting to blow all of the Gremlins up while they're at the movie theater. Obviously, it's great for kids. Will it be great for you, too? I think so, and here's why:

Each of the sets also comes with a record, which will bring the magic of the book's fine pages to life using terrific sound effects culminated by smashing pots and pans together, plus a man trying his best to imitate Phoebe Cates' voice. You'll get two sealed 'Gremlins Trapped' sets. Open one up, and keep the other one sealed so you can sell it for 50,000 dollars in a few years. Really, it'll be worth THAT MUCH.

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!

The 'Learn with E.T.' book is all about colors. Read with amazement as E.T. and friends teach you about red and blue using strange limericks. The page shown up above is just a sample of the glory that awaits you, depicting a young Drew Barrymore insisting that you use the purple crayon to color everything. Silly Drew. Silly Purple. All yours.

WE'RE NOT FINISHED YET! Aside from the two Gremlins sets and the E.T. book, each buyer will receive a very special surprise! If you're into very special surprises, this should be right up your alley....

For every order, I'll draw a crude picture of me celebrating my new car being fixed. Each picture is one-of-a-kind. What does this mean? If you order two lots, you'll get two different pictures! Isn't that great?

I'll also be autographing each drawing. But wait - what's that you say? A webmaster's autograph isn't worth anything? DON'T WORRY - I'm not autographing them with my name. I'm forging the signatures of more famous people! The picture shown above is signed by Jon Voight, but others will have forged autographs of people who starred in movies more important than Anaconda. I promise. How can you pass up an offer like this?

THE LOWDOWN: Yes, this is legitimate. My car broke, and I need to raise funds to fix it as soon as possible. Each lot comes with everything shown above - the two Gremlins book-and-record sets, an E.T. book, plus the drawing with a forged celebrity autograph. I have enough of these items to fill a good deal of orders, so don't worry about the lots becoming sold out. 20.00 postpaid takes it home. If you'd like to help me drive again, and pick up some cool stuff along the way, click on any of the Paypal boxes down below to place your order! THANX GUYS LUV YA <3 <3

(click any of the Paypal boxes to buy this schtuff!)
THE FINE PRINT:
1) Offer good in the continental United States ONLY. Add 3.00 for shipping if package is being sent to Canada. If you're in some other country and you want to get in on this steal of a deal, e-mail me your address and I'll let you know the shipping costs.
2) Orders are shipped within 2-3 days of receipt. I'D SEND THEM OUT FASTER IF I HAD A DAMN CAR THAT WORKED. Items are packed in a cool beige envelope which may someday appreciate in value, but no guarantees.
3) Insurance is optional. Add 1.50 to the total if you'd like your package insured. (total would then be 21.50) Because of a few problems the last time I sold stuff off the site, I will not be held responsible for packages that aren't insured if the post office decides to eat them or set them on fire.
4) Items are vintage, but in perfect condition. The Gremlins Book & Record sets are still sealed, and the E.T. books haven't been flipped through. Grade A C10 Mint Shape YAH YAH.
5) As long as you can view this page, the offer is still valid. I will take down the page once all the lots are sold, or if it becomes apparent that nobody else wants one. If you're able to read this, they're still in stock. I have a large quantity of these items from old warehouse buys - it'll take a while to get rid of 'em all.

(click those boxes to save my car's life and get cool toys!)
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