There are plenty of video arcades throughout the Disney World theme parks, but for the money you're spending to be there, you're not going feel particularly relaxed wasting time plopping quarters into video games and crane machines. When you're in Disney, you're supposed to go on rides. But, since no vacation is complete without a little arcade action, I'm happy to report that most of Disney's hotels have their own game rooms....
HOT DISNEY THING #26: Happy Polynesian Arcade
The Polynesian's game room was relatively modest, but had all of the necessary bullets: Pinball, cranes, Pac-Man and that stupid basketball hoop-shooter that always makes me feel bad about myself. Disney tends to overcharge for everything, and that includes the shit in their game rooms: Even the crappiest crane games cost a buck, and even the video games clearly marked "25 cents" needed 2-3 times that amount to work. Since you're in a land that's trained you to be okay with paying 4-5 bucks for a bottle of water, the game room prices only seem annoying in retrospect.
Though Disney World has some chunks dedicated to late night activity, it's not really a prime pick for crazy night owls. That's where your hotel comes in. The Polynesian's game room was open 24/7, and I assume that same goes for most hotels' arcades. This is imperative, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake in Disney World with nothing to do, and even if that one "something to do" is lose money trying to win a stuffed Piglet keychain, so be it.
HOT DISNEY THING #27: "it's a small world"
Properly, if I'm going to call it by its official title, I have to write, "it's a small world."
Admitting that I know the truth will hopefully let me slide, because I'm capitalizing. "It's A Small World" is located in the Magic Kingdom and is the oldest thing on Earth. The ride polarizes people. Some say that it's just as much a part of Disney World as Cinderella Castle or the lovingly nicknamed "Epcot ball." Others say it's obsolete, that it's outlived its charm and that it's taking up valuable space that could be used for a more hip and with it theme park ride. I'd throw my hat into the debate if I wouldn't look like such a big loser for caring.
The dark ride debuted on the Magic Kingdom's opening day, and during your sixteen hour boat voyage, you'll visit with audio animatronic children from all the nations who unite our kingdoms with their familiar battle cry: "It's a small world, after all." Click here for a clip of the insanity, and if you're searching for a more thorough feel for what the ride is like, just watch the clip 47 times in a row. Though there's "Small Worlds" at many Disney theme parks throughout the world, the Magic Kingdom's version got some serious renovations last year. "It's A Small World" is the simplest ride in all of Disney World, but when you're on it, you will absolutely 100% forget where you live, what you do, where you go and who you know. And that's the sign of a vacation worth blowing your kidney transplant money on.
I talked about our free room upgrade to Polynesian's concierge level in Part 1, and among other happy things, this granted us access to an exclusive lounge stuffed with free beer and appetizers. I didn't take advantage of the situation as much as I would've had I actually paid for the upgrade, but putting myself in the position of someone who did pay, Ill say this: You can definitely get your money's worth. For one, there's no hawks watching over you: You can swipe five bottles of Corona and jet to your room. For two, the grub is basic, finger food-type stuff, but there's a shitload of it, and it's free, so you could eat just as well here as you could in a restaurant. For three, the other hotel guests aren't allowed in, and if you're lucky, you'll catch 'em looking up at you from a window, all ugly and jealous. For four, "concierge" is a really amazing sounding word, and you'll feel so privileged to justify it as part of your personal lexicon.
With or without concierge, we weren't going to skip out on the Polynesian's famous breakfasts, lunches and dinners. From what we could surmise, the hotel had the best food & drink in all of Disney. Probably not true, but nobody can fine me for bias. This leads me into my next Hot Disney Thing. While eating skewer after skewer of meat after meat, I destroyed myself with three cocktails that claimed the lives of three pineapples...
HOT DISNEY THING #28: Drink In A Pineapple
I cant remember what the drink was called, but it tasted like spiked fruit punch and was such a production that they needed to deliver it in a whole, gutted pineapple. I don't mind telling you that I'd drink dog piss if someone put it in a pineapple for me, but whatever was in this was mmmmmmm. In fact, it was so "mmmmmmm" that I saw no reason to avoid drinking three giant pineapple drinks in a row.
Let me be the first to confirm that you should never, under any circumstances, drink three fruity cocktails the size of a pineapple in a row. For the first hour or so afterwards, I was certain I was pregnant. Wasn't sure what I was pregnant with -- child, pineapple mutant, a 24-pk case of Poland Spring -- but I most certainly felt like I was with something, losing my ability to walk straight and balance myself, not so much because I was plowed, but because I was so disgustingly full on pineapple paradise that I could no longer truthfully classify myself a human being.
Another thing about drinks that come inside whole pineapples sold at big vacation resorts: They're expensive. It cost about fifty bucks for the three of them, and if there's anything worse than having to waddle away from dinner stabbing your stomach with a knife and hoping the dam bursts, it's doing it 50 in the hole.
There's a bright side to every bloat, and here's mine: Much to the woman's chagrin, I decreed that I was simply TOO HUGE from three pineapple drinks to make my way to any of the parks that evening. I'd never thrown up a gallon of rum-laced Dole pineapple juice, and if I was ever going to find out what it was like, it damn sure wasn't going to be on Space Mountain. Fortunately, the Polynesian is just out of this world awesome at night, lit with Tiki torches and nearly empty since most of the guests are at the parks. After a few quick strolls chasing anoles and ducks, we settled in on the white sand beach to chill out, big vacation style. And then, it happened. A neon dragon popped up out of the water and put on a concert for us...
HOT DISNEY THING #29: Electrical Water Pageant
We timed it so perfectly, and we didn't even mean to because I'd completely forgotten about all the vacation guides talking about this particular hotel amenity. Disney's Electrical Water Pageant is a long-running event that takes place nightly on the Seven Seas Lagoon, floating to each of the attached hotels and doing the show all over again. With crazy music blaring from seafaring speakers, the setup includes two large, wired, electronic light fences that illuminate in ever-changing patterns to show everything from dragons to United States flags. Here's a short video of the action, and while I admit that it looks insanely lame in retrospect, the fact that we could mosey on down to a phony beach and be suddenly inundated with dragons and whales who transformed summertime into Christmas really reaffirms Disney World as a kickass place.
The show only lasts a few minutes (and that's good, because shit like this can wear out its welcome), but if you're willing to hang around for a little while longer, you can see the nightly fireworks show over the Magic Kingdom, right from the beach. I'm sure it's more impressive when you're standing right under it, but even at this distance, we were mesmerized. For a brief moment, I wasn't an old man with a gallon of pineapple syrup in my throat. I was five-years-old. Interestingly, I gave consideration to pissing myself under both guises.
That our night-gone-awry was salvaged by floating light parades and faraway fireworks is one of the biggest things I'll always remember about this vacation: Proof that you don't always have to look for fun to have it.
HOT DISNEY THING #30: Pleasure Island
"Downtown Disney" refers to a large section of Disney World dedicated primarily to nightlife and adult entertainment, full of bars, clubs, upscale virtual reality arcades and shops that sell branded ceramic bowls. I've read enough to know that it's a great place, but we really didn't explore enough of it for me to comment without lying a lot. We did hit "Pleasure Island" a few times, this being the section of Downtown Disney meant exclusively for getting bombed and clubbing.
We didn't go into any of the clubs because the thought of me dancing brought on visions of a localized Armageddon in the Orlando area, but we didn't really need to: There's regular bars all over the place, as well as street vendors selling more of the same. It's like Epcot without the annoying smoking restrictions. The "park" has a definite adult atmosphere, thanks largely in part to the fact that locals spend their weekends there with or without a Disney vacation attached. When you finally hit your personal wall and start thinking you're too old to be enjoying all of the Disney World things you're enjoying, it's time for a trip to Pleasure Island.
Just don't buy any drinks that come with a collectible take-home cup, because you'll look like a fucking retard carrying it around all night.
That just about does it for Part 2 of my Disney Adventure, and since it listed items like pineapples and air hockey as "Hot Disney Things," you might be wondering if I really have enough left in the tank for Part 3. Rest assured, I do. Been saving some of the good stuff for a Fantastic Finale, because I like ending on a high note, and because "Fantastic Finale" gives me double Scategory points, bitch. See you next time!
