Each of the four main Disney World theme parks have their own special way to end the day. The Magic Kingdom has "Wishes," a fireworks show. Epcot has "Illuminations," a fireworks show that includes bombs going off over a body of water. Animal Kingdom has mosquitos. The Disney-MGM Studios, on the other hand, has a live stage show in a big outdoor arena, with fireworks, bombs going off over a body of water, mosquitos, and Mickey Mouse in his hot alternate wizard outfit. It's called Fantasmic!, and since it's free with park admission, you'd be stupid not to see it.
The basic story told in Fantasmic! involves the various villains of Disneydom attacking the dreams of Mickey Mouse, who gains control of his own imagination with some help from his friends and, for lack of a better way to describe it, blows up all the bad guys with fireworks. The show is loud, bright and amazing. Aside from fireworks of every type, it includes videos projected on the sprays of water fountains, the entire lake going on fire, giant animatronic dragons and big boats full of costumed characters. No expense was spared, and it really pays off -- Fantasmic! offers some of the best entertainment in all of Disney.
Though it gets frustratingly crowded, the huge arena setup pretty much guarantees that you'll be able to see it, even if it's in a shitty seat, or worse, sitting on the concrete in the very back. Snack shacks offer boxes of popcorn and bottle of beer, while souvenir sellers tempt children with an endless array of light-up toys that, speaking from personal experience, can drive a person mad if he or she is seated behind a child waving one throughout the course of a thirty-minute stage production. They say that nobody dies on Disney property. I suppose there's a slight chance that the child survived my patented spinning piledriver onto the pavement.
Adventureland is quite possibly the most dated area in Disney World (maybe just behind Frontierland), being one of the least-changed slices of the already classics-skewed Magic Kingdom. This isn't to say that it doesn't rock, because it most definitely does rock. Home of some of the park's most cherished nostalgia rides, the area is fashioned to look like the jungles and simpler societies of Africa, Asia and a bunch of other countries you'll believe anything about. Blazingly green with plants and trees, with most attractions either made from or made to look like they were made from real wood, Adventureland is perhaps most famously associated with its chief ride, Pirates of the Caribbean. ...which was closed for renovations while we were there. Oh fuck you, mouse.
Some of the "rides" are ridiculous by today's crazy standards. The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse is as simple as it gets -- you walk up and around a giant treehouse and look through shack windows to see pieces of plastic fruit. You can't help yourself from doing it, but you'll really wonder why you needed to later. Aside from Pirates, Adventureland's other cornerstone is my next Hot Disney Thing.
HOT DISNEY THING #22: The Enchanted Tiki Room
With its long history in Disney World and even longer history in Disneyland, there's no getting rid of the "Enchanted Tiki Room." The Florida version opened in early '70s and remained mostly unchanged for over 25 years, when a combination of decreasing interest and a need to renovate older mechanics turned it into the "Enchanted Tiki Room: Under New Management" in 1991. Purists were obviously upset over what they considered to be a landmark getting any sort of revision, but Disney really didn't remove anything -- they just added a few things.
I snapped the above pic before a cast member confirmed that we weren't allowed to take photos, and I must be a real pussy, because one Google image search provides no less than 32,000 pictures inside the Tiki Room. Aside from the classic animatronic birds, talking walls and absolutely inundating Tiki decor, a pair of more contemporary characters have been added to spice things up: Iago, from Aladdin, and Zazu, from The Lion King. They're the new "managers" of the show. Iago wants to change the old, lame act (the show starts off as it originally did, with the Tiki song everyone knows, before Iago interrupts to complain), and it takes some severe Tiki God disco theatrics to persuade him to leave the show as it was.
It's hard to recommend the Enchanted Tiki Room to those who aren't either into the whole Tiki ambiance or into Disney World nostalgia acts, but I'll say this: It's ten minutes in a colder climate, and wherever you can find ten minutes worth of not-sweating in Disney, you should take it.
HOT DISNEY THING #23: Happy Boats
Yayayayayay, I love the boats. They're low-rent ferries that offers guests of specific resorts -- like the Polynesian -- a nice, breezy and relaxing trip straight to the Magic Kingdom. With some of the hotels situated on the Seven Seas Lagoon, there's attached docks featuring ferries that run all day long, and because of the direct route, you can get to the Kingdom just as fast on one of these as you can with the Monorail or bus. (Well, assuming that you're staying at the correct hotel, at least.) Granted, the convenience found here is made a little less grand when you consider the extra time needed to get to Epcot, MGM or Animal Kingdom from a Seven Seas-bound resort, but God damn, these boats were some of the finest reminders that I was actually on vacation and not on some cross-carrying march to see everything Disney World had to offer, no matter how exhausting.
And, if you're lucky, the captain might even give you a sticker of Mickey Mouse wearing boat-relating clothing. Dunno what that's about, but hey, free stickers!
The hotels that offer such ferry rides also offer guests the chance to rent their own boats (many different types, for novices and experts) and explore the lagoon at their own pace. If you're into fishing, you're allowed to do that, too. It's catch-and-release, but if you're into catching fish, prying their heads off the hooks and throwing 'em back, over and over again, go for yours dude. Further lagoon-related action: The hotels that feature ferry rides and boat rentals also have white sand beaches leading into the lagoon. You're not supposed to swim in there because its freshwater and filled with natural bacteria (this doesn't seem to stop people, though), but you're free to lounge on the beach and get color the old fashioned way.
For me, the ferry boats were moreover just a way to add some variety to the list of things we did. RIDE, RIDE, RIDE, RIDE, EAT, EAT, EAT, BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY. It mixes shit up to throw BOAT, BOAT in there somewhere.
HOT DISNEY THING #24: Turkey Legs
I can't explain it, but the various parks in Disney World have stands dedicated to selling turkey legs, and almost exclusively turkey legs. Like, big giant strippy meathook turkey legs that look like a prop from when Chucky's extremities were cut off at the end of Child's Play 2. Seemingly over a foot long each, the turkey legs are wrapped in tin foil and, shockingly, they're extremely popular with park guests. This fascinates the shit out of me; I hope not literally. You'll see kids about as tall as your computer monitor carting around turkey legs about as tall as your car, and they'll do this without a hint of novelty: There's no clever reason why Disney sells hundreds of turkey legs every day...they just do. And people eat them. Some people eat two at once. Some people eat two turkey legs and a hot dog, and a bag of chips. Some people shouldn't be allowed to ride roller coasters in the seat in front of you.
Keep in mind, these aren't nice, clean-cut, McDonald's-style turkey legs. They're real turkey legs, on the nasty bone, with uneven cooking and strips of meat peeling off like loose pieces of bark. People are chewing these things and waving 'em around without a care in the world, and if you're not cautious, there's a substantial chance that you'll get a piece of swampy turkey meat flung in your face. I didn't try one because I have this weird thing about not eating meat that gets left out on the counter with flies all over it, but judging by their popularity, they've gotta be the best turkey legs in the whole wide world.
HOT DISNEY THING #25: Splash Mountain
Some consider Splash Mountain the most popular ride in all of Disney World, if not at least the Magic Kingdom park. Though lacking the iconicity of Space Mountain or the mint-scented freshness of certain newer attractions, Splash Mountain has one very important thing in its corner: Water. Water! Water gives us life, water helps Liu Kang murder Sub-Zero, and water transforms Splash Mountain in a crappy old Song of the South-themed dark ride into an attraction with a line long enough to warrant a few well-placed obscenities.
I generally don't do log flumes because I suck, but after getting those Super Fastpass tickets mentioned in Part 1, I couldn't resist using one on a ride that normally involves an assaultingly long wait. I'd never been on Splash Mountain, but I'd heard enough about it from various brochures and websites. Nobody mentioned all that Song of the South shit that goes on inside. Most of the ride is spent in dark tunnels watching antiquated animatronics of Brer Rabbit and friends singing their songs, and it feels like an hour before you get up to the reason you came on the ride in the first place: A five-story drop that soaks you to death.
Though barely a blip compared to today's more high-tech flumes and water rides, Splash Mountain combines Disney theming with holy water to create one of the park's top attractions. When the ride wraps up, you're led into a gift shop area where you're free to purchase a picture of yourself making an ugly face during the five-story drop. 25 bucks for a picture of monster-faced you. Also notable is the ride's underground nickname, "Flash Mountain," referencing the many times chicks flash their tits during the five-story drop photo op. That's not a joke or anything. Search around -- there's entire image galleries devoted to the subject.
On the next page: Electric water parades and cocktails that arrive in whole, gutted pineapples.
