I've seen penny pressing machines at many vacation destinations, but never to such a magnitude as it was in Disney World. Prolific in their ipressing of pennies, these machines turned up just about everywhere -- other hotels, gift shops, restaurants...there were even a few tailored to specific rides and tucked near their exit walkways. The Polynesian's version was dressed like a Tiki hut, probably because it knew how much I'd love that. Penny pressers work like this: Insert two quarters and a penny, and the machine's gears, cogs and shit will work their mechanical magic to press that copper motherfucker into a long, flat oval with some random Disney character or establishment burned into it. The fun's in knowing and seeing your own penny go through this torment. Sifting through your loose change before showtime is like picking which one of your children to sacrifice to Kong. Only, I suppose most people care more about their kids than pennies.
Disney World, a placed filled with adventures that go beyond the highly advertised kind, has brought tens of thousands to every corner of its folds with these penny machines. Even on this trip, I saw someone carrying around a Ziploc bag full of mutant pressed pennies and checking various "found" locations off their list. An even larger phenomenon comes in the form of "Hidden Mickeys." The architecture of the entire Walt Disney World Resort is overstuffed with images of Mickey Mouse's head -- sometimes built into stained glass montages, sometimes shaped from a bush, sometimes found in the floor tiles, yadda. Some are right there in the open, but there's hundreds that take either an eagle eye or a Hidden Mickeys guidebook (yes, they exist) to locate. I'm more down with the freaky penny hobby, because at least there you get something to take home.
HOT DISNEY THING #7: Space Mountain
We'd already preconceived our first night in Disney as a "wildcard." We knew we'd be wasting plenty of hours waiting for our room to be ready, and another few hours getting acclimated to a land where it's okay to eat breakfast with Goofy. In other words, we didn't stress too much about what we did on that first night -- no special appointments, no self-imposed quotas on rides-needing-riding...we just boated into the Magic Kingdom park and browsed without aim or haste. I should've done this for the rest of the trip, because Disney at large is much nicer that way.
I'd read so much about the terrible lines at Disney World, but to be honest, they weren't such a burden for us. Yes, I did end up skipping two of the entire resort's best rides due to line fear, but if those are my only grievances, I've no reason to commit suicide. Lines were especially short at the Magic Kingdom, all things considered, and we happily hit all of the classics on that first night out. "The Haunted Mansion" was a thrill because I'd never actually gone on it, but being spoiled by Wildwood's Castle Dracula for so many years, it didn't really hit me and make me want to see Eddie Murphy gobble. Other rides delivered a more impressive impact, including one that's virtually a rite of passage for any Disney World vacationer.
Coming into this trip, I was a Space Mountain virgin. The first time I went to Disney World, I wasn't really of "roller coaster age." The second time I went, I was of "roller coaster age," but I was also a big baby. Now I'm a man, dammit, and as a man, I knew I could take Space Mountain.
Is it the world's most famous roller coaster? I don't know. It could be. Everybody knows what it is. Everybody knows that Sophia wouldn't leave Nigh-Orlando without riding it. Capping off our very first night with Space Mountain, we hopped on the line and were led through slow moving, very strange corridors filled with prismatic, holographic novelty star-filled windows that made my eyes hurt. The halls were filled with different kinds of music -- some tracks made me want to shoot down TIE Fighters, others made me look to see if Tales From The Dark Side was coming on the tele. There was a lot of wacky shit going down on that line, and by the time we got to the coaster cars, I felt like I'd already been on a ride.
By today's standards, Space Mountain isn't a major coaster. It's still way fun, though. You're barely buckled into these tightass ship/cars before blasting off into a dark black mess of disco lights and fog, spinning around and around and feeling like you had to be too tall for the thing, expecting to be beheaded by some rod or support beam. Without its history and in the daylight, Space Mountain might not even be worth mentioning. Getting chucked around the dark inside the holy white dome so many people have gotten chucked around in for decades? Worth several paragraphs.
HOT DISNEY THING #8: Wasabi Mary
Noting that this list is not in order of most-to-least favorite, I introduce to you..."Wasabi Mary." You can eat up to sixty meals a day in Disney World if you really tried, and we weren't at the Polynesian for more than two hours before beginning that trek. Even at the restaurant we ate at, which was the most "basic" and "unthemed" of all their eateries, the menu was full of crap with a Trader Vic slant. Being a connoisseur of the Bloody Mary cocktail because I'm special, I absolutely could not resist ordering their variant, the Wasabi Mary. Arriving in a hurricane glass with an olive, a tomato, a celery stick and some ginger, I dove into that straw and endeared myself to feeling more bloated than drunk.
I like spicy stuff. It takes serious heat for me to consider something "too spicy," and I refused to admit that the Wasabi Mary was too spicy. But it was. It was way too spicy. With every gulp, I felt a month being taken from my life. When the waitress came over to ask if it was too spicy, I blurted out "NO I LOVE SPICE" much in the same fashion Ralphie said "football." I was confused and lost in the moment, and perhaps too proud to admit that I'd been defeated by a drink called Mary. Paid for it, though. Spent the next three days with recurring heartburn. If you're curious as to why I'd include a drink that hurt me on my Top 45 Moments list...I guess I'm just really into drinks that have half a pound of garnish, no matter what they do to me.
HOT DISNEY THING #9: The Fastpass Miracle
Some time ago, Disney introduced a "Fastpass" system to their parks, where visitors who wanted to avoid long lines could print a ticket out at their favorite attractions, which assigned a time to come back later and enter on a much shorter line. It doesn't sound like it would work, but it really does. By limiting the number of Fastpasses a visitor can have at any one time (usually 1, up to 2 if you watch the clock closely), the system can't be abused, and the lines actually are short. Only downside is that particularly popular attractions prone to being Fastpass'd by hundreds of visitors in a short time might spit you a ticket that demands you to return four of five hours later. Still, with patience, Fastpass is a visitor's only way to avoid long lines on the biggest attractions for the entire duration of their trip.
That's Fastpass, but my Hot Disney Thing #9 goes one step further: The Super-Fastpass.
Being spooked out of Mickey's Toontown Fair (a sort of suburban neighborhood mini-park where you can dig through characters' houses and shit) by the ungodly amount of people who seemed to unanimously decide to run straight into Minnie's stupid candy house like three seconds after we went in, we found this weird, winding path that led right to Tomorrowland. More obscurely placed than outright hidden, I couldn't believe that we were the only two on this huge, sprawling walkway, but I wasn't complaining. Anytime you can grab some personal space in Disney World is welcome. While walking along, I said hello to a random staffer who appeared, oddly, from behind a bush. No good deed goes unrewarded, and my simple "hello" granted us three pairs of Super Fastpasses, that could be used anytime, anywhere in the Magic Kingdom with no time limitations. We held onto these things with the same love and protection one would a winning lottery ticket. When we got over the giddies and finally started redeeming them, the ticket-takers universally made sure no other visitors saw the differences in our passes. No idea what that was all about, but it made me all exclusive and top notch.
I guess the moral is: Say "hello" more often.
HOT DISNEY THING #10: Star Wars Weekends
Disney-MGM Studios was a mixed bag for me. Though boasting the most "real" thrill-rides and arguably having the most "can't miss" rides of all the Disney theme parks, it's rather small and feels more like...well, a day at the park. You don't really "get lost" in there, and if I use quotation marks one more time in this para, I will kill myself so you don't have to. The nighttime ambiance is really great there, though, and there's enough good shit flopping around the park to make it worth the pilgrimage. Not the least of which: Star Wars Weekends.
For the extended summer season on weekends only, MGM hosts various Star Wars events, where costumed characters join the real stars of the six films to increase your chances of seeing Warwick Davis and a Tusken Raider on the same day by like, 800,000%. The costumed characters are the biggest treat, having to play by the same rules as Tigger, Donald and every other costumed character in Disney World, meaning they have to be nice and affable and always willing to do your bidding, whether you want pictures, autographs or eternal life. The Palpatine costume above was by far the least authentic; for the most part, the characters were in movie-quality gear, and the cast members totally play their roles, with stormtroopers acting like dickheads while Ewoks act like puppies.
Basically, they take a couple of "streets" in MGM and turn them into Star Wars land. Characters running about, vendors selling overpriced action figures, the works. I didn't take full advantage of my Star Wars Weekend privileges, because the thought of waiting an hour to tell Willow that he was good in Leprechaun didn't seem justified. Then again, I've become more of a Star Wars "yeah I remember liking it" than a Star Wars "shit dude gotta buy the new DVD set the day it comes out" kind guy. If you're hardcore, you'll love this.
Strangely, with everyone from Darth Vader to Anakin Skywalker (ROTS era and trying desperately to look beat up and pissy even when little kids were massaging his balls with pastel autograph books) on the premises, it was Greedo who got the most attention. People loved Greedo, and Greedo loved the people. Possibly through several nose-like apparatuses within his suctiony fingers, Greedo seemed to smell his popularity, catering to the crowd with all the gusto and self-intrigue as the Mickey Mouse himself.
On the next page: Character breakfasts, wild animals, Potato Heads and terror towers.
