Hey, true believers! I'm Spider-Man, and I've got like, 800,000 points of articulation. You might think sitting under fake plants is my favorite pastime, but joke's on you...it's only my second. My favorite thing in the world is coloring. You know, with crayons. I've drawn everything from aardvarks to zebras, boats to castles...you name it, I've crayonned the shit out of it.

Today I shall illustrate this passion by kicking off a three-part series where I review each and every of Crayola's 96 available crayons. You knew it had to happen sometime.

Cow holy, that's a lot of crayons. I can't possibly commit the names of each to memory. I'm Spider-Man, not Madame Memory Mind. Or am I?

Here's "Yellow Orange." Seems more orange than yellow to me -- it should be called "Orange Yellow." Then you'd be justified in asking fellow colorists to "pass the oy." Haha, picture me saying "pass the oy."

"Violet" is purple in disguise -- look, they pretty much apologize for it right on the wrapper. You know what I like about Violet? It's really purple.

Hmm. "Blue" looks a tad lighter than I remember it being all those years ago. GREEN. HOUSE. EFFEC. T.

Carnation Instant Break...FASSSST!

You're gonna love it in an instant!

Crayola should give "Yellow Green" a more cutesy name that reflects its swampy hues. May I suggest "Swamp Green?" I'd so use this color more often if they called it "Swamp Green."

The cool thing about "Yellow" is that you always end up needing it a lot more than you anticipate. Nobody ever picks yellow out of the box just for the Hell of it, but once you start coloring in whatever coloring book or colored coloring you colored, there's a 99.9% chance you'll eventually need the yellow for something. In that I cheerfully liken it to bay leaves.

"Blue Violet" gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire.

"Blue Violet," meet "Red Violet." You guys are brother and sister. That means no hanky panky. And your mother was a big whore.

AUGH! Get it away -- get it away! I hate the "White!" White crayons are positively useless! They're only good with black construction paper! Who colors on black construction paper more than once every fifteen years out of sheer pity for the fully unused pile of it collecting inches in the back of a closet? As far as I'm concerned, Crayola's only produced 95 colors. White doesn't count!

What the..."Blue Green?" There's nothing green about this crayon at all! How dare they.

Now this...this is green! In fact, it's called "Green!" It's grass, it's stems, it's everything you need it to be. It is heroic Jedi lightsaber number three.

On my left, "Red Orange." On my right, "Yellow Orange." Crayola really milks those color combos. This pairing makes for great two-tone drawings of mangos. Like when they're split open I mean.

Oh ho!

Oh ho!

Oh ho! Here's plain, ordinary "Red," one of the mighty original eight. Red'll go quicker than most crayons, so if you're having friends over -- HIDE IT IN ANOTHER BOX!

Red, red. Red right red.

My oh my, can it be? Is it true? Do I have before me the ultimate crayon? The crayon to end all crayons? Have I found...black gold?

Look folks, it's obvious: "Black" is the crayon you just can't do without. It's your outline, the heart of your vision come to life...it's black! I'll never understand why Crayola doesn't shove three or four of these in each box. People would probably donate children to them if they did that. Then Crayola can work them like dogs.

I have many more crayons to show you. Excited?