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Well, if you thought Clue's VCR game was bad, check out what happened when Robocop took a stab at it. Arriving in 1987 amidst the peak of interest for the first flick, Robocop: The VCR Game had an extremely limited run, probably because it's an extremely limited game. Obviously forged for the fast buck and little else, it's not veritable playability that killed this thing -- you can play it fine, it's just that it's painfully boring. In tribute, here's my painfully boring review.
As mentioned before on the site, the mid-80s ushered in the peculiar VCR gaming craze, a fad that came and went in a flash because at heart, it wasn't a very good idea to begin with. Don't get me wrong -- there's exceptions to the rule, but I've endured enough of these beasts to say with a universal tinge that they all pretty much sucked. Robocop, never one to blend into the crowd, dedicated himself to making his VCR game suck 50,000 times worse than the rest. He succeeded, and I paid the price.
I can't imagine that this item was ever restocked. Robocop had name value, but he wasn't a big enough star to persuade gaming enthusiasts into lying through their teeth for a word-of-mouth campaign. It didn't have any television ads, and even it did, I'll say that it didn't anyway merely because I personally didn't see them. The rules of journalistic integrity stop once you sign on, but it you don't believe that, at least admit that they don't really matter when someone's reviewing a Robocop game from 1987.
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Right off the bat, I knew there was trouble. It's part board game, part VCR thing, and the 'board' part is flimsier than hour-old room temperature bat shit. Seriously, it's the smallest playing field I've ever seen included in a board game, and that includes Milton Bradley's whimsical line of 'travel' games fitted into cute little blue boxes. Just an absolutely, positively tiny piece of cardboard. No bigger than a titmouse. It gets worse -- the playing pieces follow suit with similarly minuscule scales, each being a 'cop car' roughly the size of the piece of fingernail you chew off your pinkie while waiting for the Lotto numbers to pop up. Even the damn dice take a hit: the one included here looked like a bloodied, half-dissolved sugar cube -- the kind that could only be the result of someone letting it sit on their tongue by itself, dissolving at will, before growing impatient and chomping down, only to bite the tongue instead of the cube and proceeding to spit the now-crimson confection halfway across the pine kitchen table. That last sentence exhibits what happens to the mind when it's forced to cope with Robocop's game. He fights crime and does make me stupid indeed.
You know those videos that come with the Juiceman's Juicer? They're longer, much longer. I'm thoroughly convinced that if I were to pull the black tape out and unravel it end to end, there wouldn't be enough to wrap around a six-month-old's cock. And I don't say that to be crass, it's just usually the first thing that pops in my head when a good ol' size comparison is needed. The video was made by 'Spinnaker Software Corporation,' an appropriately stupid name for a place that makes stupid videos. There's also a lot of copyright mumbo jumbo printed on the label, in case someone got smacked on the head with an anvil and hatched the notion that the tape found in Robocop's VCR game would be a hit on the bootleg video market.
 
I had one hope -- one small hope for this title. If they'd used some new footage of Robocop, even just five minutes worth, all would be forgiven. The thought of seeing Robocop standing in front of an obviously cardboard 'metal' wall while welcoming us to 'his popular new game' was something I was more than looking forward to. Instead, the box's claim that it uses 'actual movie footage' couldn't be more right. As in, that's all they use. There's nothing on this tape you haven't seen before, and actually, it's more like a collection of the worst moments in the movie, all chopped up and out of order to illustrate how much they sucked. Still, some of you might think that a video full of Robocop movie clips doesn't sound that bad. Trust me, after you see how they laid 'em all out, you'll be running in terror. Really, actually running.
Before we get to that, let me explain the process...
Ah, there's one of the playing pieces. Beauty, ain't she? The yellow cop car looks more like that sliver of stale, dried cheese you always slice off a Cracker Barrel bar so you can get to the good stuff. The other colors don't improve the realism, but shitty playing pieces could've been overlooked had the game been any fun. Let's examine why this is impossible. First, you roll the dice. It'll either take you to one of the blank, 'do nothing' squares that litter 99.6% of the board, or alternately, you'll find your slice of stale cheese on a 'Draw' space. That means ya get a card!
Oh, and for those keeping score - yes, even the cards are tiny. They made the components of the fabled Community Chest seem gargantuan by comparison, and just to make sure something irked you if this didn't, the font printed on 'em is a light red that's virtually unreadable without the powers of mutant compound insect eyes. I gotta tell you, this game really took a shit all over my previous fascination with everything Robocop. My new fascination is hiring someone to find every instance of 'Orion Pictures' in print so they can scribble '...CAUSED BAD GAME' under them with a permanent marker. This new fascination is admittedly fleeting, but at least it doesn't have any substantial ties to that awful sequel.
I drew the 'Special Investigation' card, which granted me access to anywhere on the board. Don't think I'm lucky - Special Investigation Card's parents had many, many children, and they're all twins, and they're all included with the game. I'm still not entirely sure that's there any other kind of cards in that deck, and with the remorse of a defeatist, I'm just not interested enough to go check. Point is, I can go anywhere I want. How bout Detroit?
Ah, the Detroit Streets, one of a few 'action spots' on the game board. When you land in one of these, you're finally allowed to check out the video. Be careful what you wish for.
Okay, let me attempt to make sense of this. The video is chopped up into nearly a hundred different clips. I use 'clips' in the most literal sense possible, as in, they just took any five seconds of the movie without ever considering if they were coherent blocks or just nonsensical what-the-hell-is-happening chunks of nothingness. More on that in a minute. These clips are separated into groups, depending on which town or urban underground drug factory you're visiting at the time. To note this, they've added title screens before each script, telling you which sector they represent. This is where things get tricky...
As an example, 'Detroit Streets' clips are marked with a yellow screen and a 'D-S' logo which introduces the scene for two seconds before disappearing. Now, the scene clips themselves are typically under five seconds. AND THERE'S A MILLION CLIPS ON THE TAPE. So, quick math: 1,000,000 clips. 500,000 clips are the two-second intro teasers. The other 500,000 are the five-second actual movie clips. Are you ready for the real killer? THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO FAST FORWARD THROUGH, ENDLESSLY, IN ORDER TO PLAY THE GAME PROPERLY. Most people have a hard enough time finding their favorite dubbed episode of Friends on an eight-hour compilation tape. Can you imagine trying to sort through 500,000 two-second clips and 500,000 five-second clips? Just to play Robocop's VCR game? What were they thinking?
Here, check out one of the clips, just about in its entirety...
Yes, my Detroit Streets action bounty brought some serious results. First, the other players and myself became engaged with a blink-and-you'll-miss-it clip featuring a bunch of bad guys peering out the back of a truck. Then the tape confirms what I was thinking -- the scene had 'no effect.' I didn't even win anything for watching that shit. No bonus points, no 'arrest' checkmarks on my playing sheet, nothing. I wouldn't be so pissed if I could've located my VCR remote so I didn't have to keep running back and forth just to watch shitty 'hey, guess what movie that's from?' clips that have no freakin effect on the game. I don't know whose brainfart this game was, but I wish them a death even worse than the guy in the movie who got all toxic and run over. May seem harsh, but you're not the one who had to play this.
I didn't like Clue's VCR game mostly because I don't seem to like anything, but at least the fine folks at Parker Brothers actually gave it the college try with that one. Robocop's attempt is just pathetic -- could anyone have really been satisfied with this game? I think this is one review where you can actually see enough to know I'm not exaggerating in a novice joust towards humor...it's really that bad.
Still, the unintentional comedy factor is kept high. Check this next card out...
Yep, drawing a 'Disturbing Memories' card causes you to lose a turn. Since most turns result in 'no effect' or 'has an effect, but it's lost on you,' losing one really isn't all that bad. 'Disturbing Memories,' by the way, refers to those scenes in the movie where Robocop loses his concentration amidst memories of his past life and always-so-happy wife. Just so everyone's clear, the video provides clips to explain this...
Looks fun, right? Pulling this game out for a party is basically guaranteeing a future of parties very slim on positive RSVPs. And though it's not the case, a quick glance at the clip appears to show Robocop's estranged wife holding the decapitated head of the son they shared. Bottom line: you're still not doing anything interesting.
Oh wait, there are some other cards. Five or six, total. Very few really mean much to the game, instead existing merely to spite anyone who kept the faith while holding Robocop: The VCR Game on the checkout line. I think the general goal had something to do with being the first player to make four arrests, but obviously, we never made it that far. I'm a reviewer, not a sadist, and I'm nowhere near interested enough in Robocop to watch more than a few minutes of this video per year. Its awfulness is almost surreal -- you'll keep waiting for a little girl to call and say 'seven days.' And even then, death is a better avenue to happiness than potentially having to play this again.
Hey, I'm at the Old Mill District! That's where Robocop takes off his forehead plate and looks all freakish and stuff. I think I liked Detroit Streets better.
Some of the clips actually result in some form of action -- you can arrest the villains, and in fact, can arrest the same villain up to four times in each game. It seems obsessive, but really, there's only two villains to choose from. The other 'arrests' are illustrated with clips of Robocop beating up drug addicts and gnarly biker men, though they keep the game suitable for all audiences by cutting out all the good stuff.
Not that there was any market for this game, but if there was, it certainly waddn't kiddies. True, kid interest supplied Robocop with the necessary ammunition to make lots of plastic dolls and themed fruit snacks, but especially in terms of the first movie -- that thing was the grail of Rated 'R' mindless violent entertainment. Yeah, he's a robot cop, that's cool and all -- but people who liked that movie did so because everyone who died had their face-exploding death rattles right in front of the camera. The video shows NOTHING. All those money scenes people still remember today are universally absent from the video, along with any ideas of logical placement and pleasing the buying customer.
Plus, these VCR games weren't cheap. You were parting with a fair share of the paycheck to bring this one home -- and even for people like me who rarely return/exchange anything, you probably would've went through with it sheerly on principle. I imagine that most stores pulled these things from the shelves just to avoid the unavoidable stream of messy returns. Christ Robocop, you really blew it with this game. Good thing they replaced your emotional capabilities with a voicebox that lets you sound 'roboty.'
As you're playing, you get to fill out these neat 'arrest logs' that also take note of your damage. If you're damaged three times, you're out of the game. That makes your new goal to get damaged three times as quickly as possible. 'Jones' and 'Boddicker,' the movie's main villains, are key targets for your arresting efforts. The rest of the blank lines are there to provide space for any solemn haikus or limericks you might come up with while playing. The instruction manual should confirm this, but good luck reading a font size smaller than the ones typically found in novelty-sized gag bibles. I usually don't get so upset over a bad game, but you'd just expect so much more from Robocop. He's able to blow a guy's head off by aiming his laser bullets at blast-reflective faraway walls, but he can't make a damn VCR game that isn't worthy of handing out in the sixth layer of Hell? It's crazy. Robocrazy.
The box claims that 'the future of law enforcement is you.' I dunno. If the future of law enforcement is anything like this game, I'm not that interested.
Overall: F minus minus infinity minus. Just an exploitive, effortless abomination. An absolute insult to the poor people who bought it. Poor people like me, and the three young members of P.S. 115's ill-fated 'Robocop 4 Prez' fan club over in Brooklyn. I don't think anyone else has even heard of this thing. On the plus side, Robocop's forages into actual video games were generally much better than this, so if you're dying to play Good Cop in your living room and have a good time while doing it, there's still some methods left.
No way Jose.
RETURN TO X-E!
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