X-Entertainment: The Mantis Shrimp

When considering the terrors of the deep, we usually think of animals like sharks, killer whales, giant squid, and other monsters seemingly able to gobble us up whole. While it's admittedly more fun to romanticize these immense beasts as a reason to fear and respect the ocean, some of the deadliest sea predators aren't much bigger than the index finger you're using to scroll through this article.

In one of Jacques Cousteau's books, he detailed the experience of two of his divers as they were attacked while 'protected' in a shark cage underwater. But it wasn't the sharks who besieged them, rather a swarm of microscopic sea mosquitos that could've very well eaten the divers alive if given enough time. When man hits the sea, even with all his fancy equipment and hot rubber shorts, he's forced to remember that he's very much at nature's whim. When it comes to the ocean, we're just another animal - no more important than the shells we step on or the crabs who occasionally snap at our toes.

The oceans are the one part of this planet we can't manipulate to better suit our needs. We can manipulate ourselves, whether through a breathing apparatus or an electrically charged pointy stick, but we can't change the fact that we're as out of our element in the sea as a fish is out of water. It's for this reason that ocean predators are regarded as much more dangerous than the would-be killers on land. Still, not all of the sea's most voracious hunters are large enough to kill us. In fact, some of the biggest ocean bullies have the smallest bodies there. Pound for pound, there might be no tougher adversary than a sinister stormapod called the mantis shrimp.

I swear I didn't plagiarize that off of a documentary, it really somehow came out of my mouth. I think it's because the only thing I have to drink is rancid tonic water leftover from Christmas.

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Neither truly related to it's fellow seafaring shrimp or land insect praying mantis, the mantis shrimp is so named for it's resemblance to both those animals. It's a crustacean from the same class as crabs and crayfish, which grows to a length of 10-12 inches. In truth, only the mantis shrimp able to live life to their capacity grow that large, as most found are much smaller. Still, while size might matter if you're in the porn business, it don't make a damn bit of difference to the mantis shrimp. Armed with strong pincers and club-like appendages able to split your finger to the bone, it's more than just plain fish who should approach these creatures with caution.

First, consider the appearance. Some things have the ability to appear disgustingly frightening and beautiful at the same time. Willie Aames in his Bibleman suit comes to mind, but mantis shrimp are even better examples. On the surface, they resemble shrimp, but the brunt of their bodies look more like lobster tails. They vary widely in color, from bland and pale yellows to amazingly intricate patterns combining a full spectrum of bright, almost-neon colors. A mantis shrimp's eyes are the stuff of legend, the kind of sight modules typically seen on 50s horror posters promoting terrible killer alien movies. While these are the more rudimentary features, it's the mantis shrimp's inbuilt weaponry that's helped it achieve it's reputation as trouble.

To keep things simplistic and free of forty-letter scientific words nobody can comprehend, mantis shrimp are generally separated into two groups: the spearers, and the smashers. Spearers, who prey much in the same way as the more well-known praying mantis, are armed with two elongated spines topped with barbed tips. It typically hides in it's burrow, waiting for it's desired fishy food to swim by. By the time the fish realizes that it's not in friendly quarters, the mantis shrimp strikes forth with these pincers, impaling its prey. While being impaled certainly isn't the most pleasant experience in the world, the fish doesn't die from this alone. But since it's now trapped on the shrimp's claws, it's got nowhere to go and the creature is free to eat it at its leisure. If you're a fisherman, don't feel too terrible for the ones you catch. They can meet a much more grisly fate down below.

The spearers probably look more dangerous, but I'd rather try to hold my own against a horde of those than their relative smashers. Mantis shrimp are sometimes called 'thumb splitters' by divers: little monsters more than capable to slice your digits right in half. That reputation is thanks to the smashers - instead of relying on pincers, these nasty fellows utilize their blunt 'elbows' to literally hammer their prey apart. They're the Joe Frasiers of the coral reef. The force of their death blows is so strong, it's often likened to the force of a gunshot. Smashers prefer the meat of mollusks, crabs, snails and rock oysters, and their hammer shots enable them to crack the shells of their prey into pieces. Smashers, like spearers, are more than equipped to inflict serious damage on animals far larger than they are.

With man's penchant for owning pets ever increasing towards the more exotic, it's no surprise that mantis shrimp have become popular home aquarium fare. They're not terribly rare, either - one of my local pet stores almost always has at least one of the guys in stock. And always one per tank, and always one alone in it's tank. Mantis shrimp will attack and kill anything they can, even each other. Aside from the lionfish, putting one of these guys in a tank with other tropical fish is like throwing a stray cat into a cage full of hamsters. Though hardy, mantis shrimp aren't extremely easy to care for. The salinity of your tank's water must be kept at an exact specification, and they're fairly susceptible to disease if you're not the type who gets a kick out of cleaning your fish tank every few days. To their credit, anyone with the slightest bit of know-how could find caring for a mantis shrimp even easier than the most common saltwater aquarium fish available.

Still, in terms of price and space, there's few sea creatures that can provide such fascinating entertainment. Mantis shrimp don't need huge tanks, so right there you're saving yourself some cash. They don't feed on anything too particular, so buying them things to kill and devour won't put you in the poor house. There's a few things to consider, though. Mantis shrimp have a reputation for becoming agitated and literally punching through tank glass. It doesn't happen often, but it goes a long way in proving just how powerful these small devils really are.

I've talked to some people who were sure their tank was large enough to successfully contain tropical fish and mantis shrimp, only to find within a few weeks that the beast ate all their other pets. In other cases, people will notice their fish steadily declining in numbers, seemingly without the presence of a mantis shrimp. It's rare, but this does happen: sometimes, those who keep saltwater tanks will find a stowaway in the live rock they purchase. Mantis shrimp will hide in this rock, going unnoticed for months on end. The live rock can be transported from place to place with the shrimp intact, and it's not until it lands at its final destination that someone finally notices what's inside. For this reason, even plain ol' live rock should be handled with slight caution - you never know what's living in there.

Mantis shrimp are solitary creatures, who dig intricate burrows and spend most of their time hiding within them. They only seem to exit their homes to feed or relocate, and even a courting male might receive a few bashes on the head from a female while trying to mate. Their burrows are deceptively large and filled with channels, and this combined with the shrimp's impressive speed makes them tough to spot and even harder to catch. Considered a delicacy in some parts of the world, most of the mantis shrimp caught for food is purely accidental. Nets, which line the ocean floor and pick up whatever's living above them indiscriminately, often bring a bounty of several mantis shrimp. While the ones meant for aquariums must be collected directly, the shrimp picked up in these nets will often end up as part of an exotic dish. If that's your gig, by all means, be my guest. Personally, I'd rather eat dog shit.

People seem to disregard most crustaceans as 'stupid' - you see all those crabs and lobsters laying in tanks at the supermarket, and it's definitely not the type of thing that makes you consider their brainpower. In truth, some sea crustaceans are downright clever. The mantis shrimp is no exception - those in the unenviable position of having to remove one of these guys from a tank might find themselves pretty frustrated after the thirtieth failed attempt. My point is this: mantis shrimp are indeed scary critters, but they're unbelievably interesting to anyone who's had the chance to purvey them. There's really nothing in or out of the sea quite like 'em.

Besides, they just have the coolest name ever. 'Mantis shrimp.' How great is that? I might not like them so much if they were called 'bugsy crabs' or something of that sort. But mantis shrimp? Hell, I'd name my son that, if I had a son, and if I didn't have a family that'd kill me for naming my kid 'Mantis Shrimp.' All too often, our fascination with sea creatures extends only as far as the ones bigger than our cars. As we've seen, sometimes the ocean's most impressive swimmers come in small packages.