House is a different type of 80s cheese horror film, in that it's by no means terrible and actually maintains a coherent plot. Make no mistake - this was a low-budget affair chock full of all those reasons people rent out crappy old slasher films to laugh at with their friends. Unlike most of it's studio sisters, House actually tried and succeeded in making a movie that, while stupid at times, never fell apart or lost sight of the story it was trying to tell.
Okay, I'm going a little bit far. It kinda falls apart at the end. But by then the action becomes so strange and engaging that you just overlook the oversights. To top it off, the two secondary stars are Richard Moll and George Wendt. So House has something almost every other movie in the genre lacks - clearly recognizable characters you can attach yourselves to. I love attaching myself to George Wendt.
Really, most people would pay ten bucks just to watch Norm and Bull sit in a white room together for fifteen minutes. Throw the two in the middle of a haunted house/scary movie setting, and it's real hard to fuck things up.
Did I mention that the flick also features a possessed, bloodthirsty marlin statue?
I actually reviewed House very early on in the days of X-E, but this was back when my articles were merely a few paragraphs that contained the word 'fuck' tacked on to every sentence. As things have progressed, I've kept this one high up on the list of articles I wanted to do over. Since we're rapidly approaching Halloween season, seems like there's no better time.
The general idea: a novelist (William Katt) who's down on his luck (divorced with a missing son) decides to move back into the house where his aunt killed herself. It's also the house where his son went missing, and where he grew up. And, oh yeah, the house is allegedly haunted. I don't think I need to piece it together for you any further, so here's the full review:
 
Okay, things kick off with the local grocer boy making his routine stop at old Aunt Evil's house. Normally, he hands over the prunes and turkey, gets a dime and a cheek-pull in return, and goes off on his way. Things are a little different today. Aunt Evil isn't waiting by the front door with a crossword puzzle book. She's not making tea, either. When the boy starts investigating, he finds her swinging from the living room ceiling, a victim of the deadly combination of senility and suicide.
 
Aunt Evil's nephew is Roger Cobb, a struggling horror writer. Though his past books have been bestsellers, he can't seem to muster up another scary tale. He's more interested in recounting his experiences in the Vietnam War, much to the dismay of his agent, who confides that the public at large are sick of war stories. Roger explains that he must write this book. We'll find out why later.
Troubled to the left, troubled to the right, Roger is suffering through a recent divorce which came after all the stresses he and his ex had when their young son disappeared some time ago. Roger has no idea what happened to his child, and has spent many grim afternoons randomly grabbing strangers by the collar while yelling 'HEY YA SEEN MAH KID?!'. To date, the methods haven't proved effective. But Roger hasn't given up hope.
Oh yeah, Roger has decided to move back into his dead aunt's house. He says he's doing it so he can get his next book done, but there seems to be more to the story than that. Roger's not sure what kind of mysterious energies are drawing him back to the hauntingly haunted abode, but who cares...it's rent-free!
 
Cue the first of many flashbacks. Roger recalls the day when he lost his son. He swears he saw him flailing in the pool, but when he jumped in for the quick rescue, the damn kid just vanished. There was never any ransom notes, never a body a found, and you know police can't help in movies like this.
During the missing persons inquisition, Auntie Evil swore that the house itself was responsible. Of course, everyone just assumed she was a crazy old bat. And they were right, but as we'll find out later - even crazy old bats have insight once in a while.
 
Meet George Wendt, playing Roger's new neighbor, Harold. Turns out Harold is a big fan of Roger's work. He's also a big fat guy with no social life, so he constantly drops in to offer Roger midnight snacks. Our star character is far too nice to tell Harold to hit the bricks, but the look on his face clearly illustrates that he's not a Cheers fan. What a shame. I'd cut off and swallow one of my testicles to live next to Norm Peterson. Hell, I'd settle for Lilith or even that bald guy upstairs who kept fucking Carla. I'm a whore for celebrity neighbors. That's why I keep pushing the 80-year-old next door to get into modeling.
 
Cue the next series of flashbacks. Whole lotta flashbacks in House. Kind of hard to follow if you like watching movies half-asleep like me. Took me four tries to put it together. But the effort was worth it...meant I got to see George Wendt a lot more than normal people who only watch their rentals once. I wouldn't go as far to say 'the more George the merrier,' but that's just because I'm afraid that transvestite chameleon singer guy would get confused and show up at my door with a jar of oil and a banana.
Anyway, Roger keeps having flashbacks to his time served in the Vietnam War. One of his fellow troops was a gruff tall asshole played by Richard Moll, who you'll likely remember as Bull from Night Court. With all these lovable old sitcom characters running around, it's pretty hard to dislike House. Granted, they didn't have the social standings back in 1986 that they'd garner a year or so later, but they were still notable and it's a feather in the director's cap to realize that movies like these are taken far more seriously when you stop casting total nobodies and puppies dressed up to look like real people.
 
Finally, some spooky stuff goes on. Roger senses that something's amiss within the house, but up until now he hasn't been completely sure of it. That all changed at the stroke of midnight, when he opened up the closet door to find a giant slimy demon lunging out towards him.
House rides a fine line between horror and comedy, but does it a lot better than most. The scary parts are scary, the funny parts are funny, but they're kept separate so they don't cancel out each other. In other words, they're not gonna throw George in the scene churning out one-liners if you're supposed to be frightened. It works because you're allowed to enjoy the movie on a few different levels without ever having to decide if you're 'scared' or 'humored,' 'disgusted' or 'happy,' 'shocked' or 'carving George Wendt statues out of soap because he's such a damn COMEDIC CHERUB.'
It works, that's all I'm saying.
 
Roger, dressed in his old army gear, goes through a ton of trouble trying to catch the monster on film. When his plan fails, he turns to Harold for help. At first, Harold thinks Roger's just being a crazy loon, but then remembers that he's got nothing better to do. The two of them try to photograph the demons, but still, they're in hiding.
Seems like the devils in House have chosen Roger as their sole victim. It's almost as if the house has something against Roger and Roger alone. This becomes mildly important later.
 
Roger's ex-wife shows up. They're still very much in love, having only split apart because the poor guy went all nuts and stuff. Before they can reconcile, it's revealed that it's not his ex-wife at all, rather a large fat rubber demon wearing a giant wig and purple dress. After getting his ass kicked all over the house, Roger's able to blow it to pieces with a shotgun, when it then reforms back into his ex-wife. For a while Roger thinks he killed her, which leads to a long boring scene where he hides the body from curious cops. I left that part out because it's not important to the plot. I'm lying. I left it out because I'm in a rush. Can you tell?
 
One of Roger's other neighbors, who didn't costar on Cheers, tricks him into babysitting her kid. The kid is way scarier than any monster in the movie. I'm not sure if he's got a mental illness or what. I hope he doesn't, because I'd hate to feel guilty when I keep calling him a retard. But hey, if someone's a retard, you gotta call them that. There's not many synonyms for it. Even if there were, I doubt they'd be any more complimentary. So, the kid's a retard. And while we're at it, his head is the size of my car.
 
The babysitting stint would've been annoying in of itself, but now Roger has to deal with it in the midst of the haunted house's chaotic rampage. Within moments, two demons snatch up the kid and attempt to lift him up through the chimney. Roger struggles to free him, and even though he's successful, I can't figure out why Little Joey wasn't afraid of any of this. He was practically giggling. So much for my previous celebration of the horror/comedy separation in House. Way to go kid, you ruined all my plus marks. Stupid retard.
Since he's covered in chimney dust, Roger gives Joey a bath. Now I know...his mother was dumb enough to leave her child with a stranger. But still, don't you think she'll be a little pissed about this? If I had a kid, the last thing I'd want is for some weird thirty-year-old who lives alone in a Victorian mansion to undress my son and wash his privates. But that's just me - the mother didn't seem to mind at all.
Now free of the burdens of babysitting, Roger's able to continue piecing together the mysteries of the house.
 
In the movie's best scene, a marlin plaque on the wall comes alive. It doesn't really attack - just kinda moves around while screaming. Roger knows he's safe but shoots it anyway. Why? Simple. When he's hanging out with the guys and the subject of 'the biggest fish you ever caught' comes up, he'll have a reason to brag.
We're getting to the final sequence now. I didn't really miss much, but a written review can't possibly do the movie's nuances justice. While I'd recommend previously reviewed movies like Critters and Ghoulies because they represent a fun-yet-lost genre in movies, I'll recommend House for an entirely different reason: it's actually good!
Okay, the finale. You need to know a few things to set this all up. First, Roger had another, scarier flashback to the Vietnam War. This time, he was recalling an incident where he and an injured Richard Moll were hiding from incoming troops. Rich begged Roger to do him in and end his suffering, but he couldn't do it and our favorite bailiff was taken prisoner by the enemy. He swore revenge on Roger for not killing him when he had the chance.
Finally, Roger starts looking at all of his aunt's wacky paintings around the house. After noticing that one of them depicts his lost son trapped in the walls, he decides it's high time to take the beast on headfirst...
 
Roger jumps into the bathroom mirror, which conveniently doubles as an interdimensional portal. After fighting off a demonic bat, he finds his son safe and sound, playing with a toy truck in the middle of the jungle. But there's something familiar about this particular jungle. Seems a tad too much like the one from Roger's Vietnam flashbacks.
Sure enough, Richard Moll returns as a monster bent on revenge. The crazed corpse explains that the enemy troops tortured him for weeks, and now he wants to pay Roger back for not cutting his throat before being taken captive. While that's sort of important to the story, what's really important is how surprisingly cool Richard Moll looks dolled up as a dead guy. I long for aesthetics that commanding.
 
Time for your standard stupid horror ending - seems like they can never think up a good way to end these movies, so they just find the easiest way possible to get the end credits rolling. In this case, Roger determines that the monsters can't hurt him if he's not afraid of them. So, he reclaims his kid, shoves a grenade in Richard's stomach, and blows him to pieces. It's a pretty ' bleh' ending, but at least we got to see Bull from Night Court explode. No complaints there.
 
The happy family reunites. Roger and his wife can get back to getting it on now that their son isn't trapped in the broom closet anymore. Overall, House is indeed a hidden gem well worth the time to check out. It's so much different both in theme and style from what you'd expect, and all the great cameos help push it over the border from 'watchable' to 'pretty good.' 7 out of 10. Would've been higher if George Wendt was revealed as the main villain. But that's just nicking pits.
- Matt
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