[an error occurred while processing this directive] Luke Perry and Jason Priestley's WILD Adventure! [an error occurred while processing this directive] [an error occurred while processing this directive] 10/16/00 [an error occurred while processing this directive] There haven't been many things I've seen that've really shaken my faith in the world. I think I'm pretty complacent. It really takes something hideous to make me believe that this planet's severely fucked up. Throughout my lifetime, that's happened only a few times. When the guy who played Carla's ex-husband on Cheers got a lead sitcom role on The Tortellis', that was one of those times. When Dionne Warwick's 'celebrity guests' on the Psychic Friends Network were people who I'm sure pump gas up the block from me, that was one of those times. After what I've seen today, it's starting to look like its one of those times.
From the dark corridors of Hell itself, it's Star Jam! The only comic book featuring some of the early 90s' greatest teen idols from music and television! Featured in quite possibly the most sense-assaulting and intelligence-insulting plots...of all time! Star Jam's tagline on the cover: Unauthorized. And proud of it. And I guess they have a point. Being 'unauthorized' is about all Star Jam has to be proud about here. This comic will make you sick on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin.
This is the sixth issue in the series, which makes things a lot more disturbing. It means there's at least five other issues circulating. Despite that, I'm quite certain that this has to be the worst one in the collection. I'm also quite certain it's the worst comic book ever made. What do you get when you do an illustrated variety magazines featuring comics about 90210 stars, Kris Kross, and Ugly Kid Joe? A huge fucking headache.
This comic was made by Revolutionary Comics. For those not in the know, companies like this have done a whole slew of ridiculous 'real life' comics, with topics ranging across the board. They've tackled everyone from Amy Fisher (with pinup nipple pic) to OJ Simpson, all the while ignoring the facts in favor of some poorly rendered drawings in an obvious 'what if?' scenario. Now, while they tend to believe this approach is cutting edge, the people reading it tend to believe it's crap only worthwhile for it's comedic value.
Sometimes when we talk about shit on this site, words just aren't enough. I think this is one of those cases where seeing is believing. So I've scanned a short story about two of 90210's hot young studs, direct from the comic's glorious pages without any regard for copyright law. Hey, I guess I'm pretty unauthorized too.
Jason Priestley. Luke Perry. Luke might be middle aged, but he's still a teen dream. Jason might've got chunky by season 132 of 90210, but this comic came out when they were only in the 8th year of high school, so he was still Teen Beat material. Apart, they're heroes. Together, in unison, they form a godlike creature sent from the heavens to serve as a literary savior for all of us bored with the same old hero/villain plots of comic books. Who knows what kind of zany adventures they'll get into?
It's eight pages etched by Lucifer himself. It's X-E's latest version of the Necronomicon. It's yours to view...just click here.
Warning: This comic is not intended for anyone with half or even one tenth of a brain. It's also not meant for anyone who can read or see. If you want a little taste of how bad Star Jam can get, take a look at the puzzle from it's twisted pages below...
Folks, I ask you...are ya crazy about SWAYZE?! Oh, you know you are. Star Jam finally lets you get some mileage out of your endless pot of Patrick Swayze trivia knowledge with the most disturbing crossword puzzle of all time. The idea that there's a person out there who was excited enough to buy this comic book because it featured a side game starring Patrick Swayze is enough to make me buy five years worth of Ramen and head down to the fallout shelter.
Beware though, to finish the puzzle, you won't just have to be a Swayze trivia buff, you'd have to be a mathematical and scientific genius. This isn't any normal crossword puzzle. It's the crossword puzzle with no regard for the law. The rules of this game are so stupid, I'm not sure even a full understanding of them will help you complete your quest:
1.- The crossword cube is blank and unnumbered. That was my first clue something was amiss.
2.- They give you the answers. Not clues - answers.
3.- Your job? Somehow, you have to memorize where each of the 20 answers would fit to make the crossword puzzle correct and perfect. This game was the inspiration for the Commodore 64's Impossible Mission.
4.- When you're done, you also have to color in Patrick's hair in fluorescent colors. Hey, I'm not making this up.
So not only does the comic have stupid stories, it's got stupid puzzles. Stupid puzzles with rules apparently made up by a special team of retarded monkeys in a real rush to meet their deadline. After we review Luke & Jason's wild adventure, I'll show you the answers to Crazy About Swayze so you can die happy.
For now though, let's get down to business. You know them as 90210's Brandon Walsh and Dylan McKay. Here's some of their trademark factoids:
Brandon was 90210's main star. He worked at the Peach Pit, which, much like The Max of Saved By The Bell fame, is apparently the only place in Beverly Hills to eat. He kissed Andrea, but opted for Kelly as his 'fuck repeatedly' choice. After his parents left for god knows where, they let him continue to use the house. When Brandon left, he decided to let Steve continue to use the house. No word on how his parents felt sacrificing a 5 million dollar house sale just so Steve would have enough space for his table tennis room.
* Always falls in love with girls who ultimately end up trying to set themselves on fire.
* Uses his apparently very important job at the school newspaper to unite the races across the high schools of Los Angeles.
* Chews gum.
* Job making hamburgers supports his lifestyle of driving sports cars.
* Left the series after a reverse growth spurt that made him appear to be 4'8.
Dylan was the show's misunderstood, brooding heartthrob with the receding hairline. He liked to submerge himself into the hells of alcoholism at least once per season. Though he once scared Brenda by breaking a giant potted plant outside a hotel, they eventually fell in love until she left the show to hang out with Alyssa Milano. His father was an ex-con who blew up. Dylan's had sex with virtually everyone on the show aside from Donna and David.
* Is 50 years old.
* Everyone close to him either dies from gunshot or a car bombing, causing him to drink, do drugs, even have sex with Valerie.
* Chose Kelly over Brenda after Kelly decided on using yellow icing on her infamous 'decision time' cupcake.
* Has three brothers. The kids from The Hogan Family. Figure that out.
* Ruined Kelly's mother's 64th wedding by throwing a beer bottle against the house, frustrated with Mr. Walsh's consistent pleas for him to stop fucking his daughter.
How will these elements come into play when Dylan and Brandon dump their stage names and get together for a little Hollywood Action?! There's only one way to find out - sell your soul to the devil and enter HELL!!!