[an error occurred while processing this directive] Do Hollywood Plots Dictate Reality? [an error occurred while processing this directive] [an error occurred while processing this directive] 05/25/00 [an error occurred while processing this directive] I sat here and typed out this post about "Hollywood vs. Reality" with no trouble at all, when Matt informed me that since I am the new guy at X-E, that I should do an introductory paragraph. Now I know how Brian Johnson felt in the Breakfast Club when he sat there with a pen in his mouth, thrusting it towards his nostril saying, "Who am I? Who am I?…I am a walrus..". Before I introduce myself I just wanted to thank Matt and the other guys (and the beautiful Swandive) at X-E for giving me the opportunity to write here. In the back of my mind I still have the fear that my "hiring" is some sort of evil plot along the lines of the fraternity recruiting Zack Morris and making him turn against Screech and Mikey (I guess his fro wasn't cool enough; so they had to replace him with Slater). Damn, if only Miss Bliss were here to bestow some of her sage-like advice….

Anyways…. My name is Dave, I'm 25, and live in midtown Manhattan in New York City. In a city with so much to offer, I am totally content to sit on my couch on the weekend watching the TBS "dubbed" version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High for the 125th time; cause let's face it; watching Washington's brother hold up a porno mag and say, "I like sex!" while driving along with Spicoli, is more entertaining than anything even New York City has to offer. On that note, I think I'm going to end this introduction, because since reading what I have just written…. even I have lost all respect for myself; so I can only imagine what the readers are thinking…

Let's face it… Hollywood has the propensity to make anything look more romantic, exciting, or interesting than the real life version of those events could ever be. It is because of this, that we as a whole look at our own lives as miserable in comparison. Well lucky for you, I have come along to set you straight. Hollywood makes up these lavish tales to remove $9.00 from your wallet and instill in you the belief that your life sucks just so you will continue to shell out your hard earned money to escape your life for an hour and forty five minutes on a regular basis. It is with this in mind that I would like to present to you some famous Hollywood productions and help make you aware just how ridiculous they are. Maybe my versions of "Reality" might only be as long as most movie trailers, but at least after seeing them they won't make you feel like a loser for sitting on your couch, eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, and listening to Nirvana at three in the morning on a Tuesday night. So with that in mind, let's start the first in what will be an ongoing series of posts in which I attack the pretentiousness of Hollywood.

The first subject I would like to address is:


Pretty Woman
Starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts

A single, corporate-raider type millionaire pulls up to a street corner and picks up a hooker with a heart of gold. He takes her up to the penthouse of his fancy hotel; buys her services for a week; and takes her to all of his upper-crust social functions. In one cute exchange he mistakes her innocent hiding of dental floss for a game of "Guess Which Hand the Narcotic is In". It turns out that this cutie-pie was just hiding some dental floss to help get some strawberry seeds out from between her larger than life teeth. The only thing better than the oral pleasure he has paid for, is the oral pleasure he receives listening to her talk to him, on those rare occasions when her mouth is not full of his manhood. Well like any good hooker and john story; they fall in love and live happily ever after in a modern day Cinderella-esque fairy tale.

Ugly Whore
Starring Robert Loggia and Tori Spelling

A married guy who just found a $20 bill in his back pocket decides it's time to cruise the streets looking for a good time. Pulling up to the street corner he picks up a prostitute with a surgically enhanced body and a face reminiscint of Triple Crown winner Secretariat. He takes her to a luxuriously secluded street corner downtown where she informs him that she doesn't kiss her customers because it's too personal. Romantically, he looks deep in her eyes and says "Ummm… I didn't want to kiss you anyway." He then caresses the back of her head and says, "Get to workin…". After she is finished servicing her client she pulls out some dental floss. "Strawberry seeds?", he asks. "No, I'm just getting one of your pubic hairs out from between my teeth." This romance must come to an end though; and he drops her off at the corner where he found her.

Next up, let's take a look at:

Internet Romance:

You've Got Mail
Starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan

A single, sweet, attractive woman that owns a small bookstore embarks on a friendly e-mail correspondence with a single, witty, intelligent man. It turns out that, unbeknownst to them, these two actually know eachother in real life. The only problem is that they know eachother because he is the man responsible for building the giant bookstore that threatens to put her out of business. Once they realize what is going on, they realize the friendship and blossoming love that they shared through e-mail was more relevant than the fact that they disliked eachother in real life. What started out as Windows on a computer screen unexpectedly turned into windows into one another's souls.

Starring Kathy Bates and Giovanni Ribisi

A divorced mother of three that owns a matching set of chins receives an Instant Message that says, "Helo how r u tonite" from a horny, drunk man, who is anxiously waiting for the Stouffer's frozen French Bread Pizza that he just put in the oven to cook. After a little small talk he convinces the woman to join him in a private room that he affectionately names "Looking for another human being to type sexual words that I can jerk off to" The smut that she types on the screen inspires such romance that it causes the man to ejaculate all over himself. This romance proves fleeting though, as the man clicks "Sign Off" before he even gets up to clean himself off. The story ends with the woman feeling dirty and used; while the man is sitting on his couch eating a pizza that he took out of the oven ten minutes too early.

Coming soon: How the bouncer at your local watering hole just might save your town….. [an error occurred while processing this directive]